I DIDN'T DO THINGS..

..because I didn't want him to think different about me. But the thing is, I wasn't being honest. So, why would I care whether or not he loved me when he didn't really even know me?

I enjoy self-reflecting on what has transpired thus far in my life, and what lessons I have learnt from them. Talking about it, doesn't necessarily mean that I'm still hung up about it; more of learning from what went wrong and making sure that I don't commit the same mistakes again.

Skipping to the end of last week, where I had a beer or 2 with M and we were just chatting as always about everything, I've come to realise that you know what? I don't think X has ever seen or been with the real me. I am vulgar, judgmental, and I have tons of things to say on a diverse range of topics and issues which I never got round to expressing, mainly because I didn't want him to think any different about me. I was so bent on this portrayal of the "good" side of me, all he saw was that. All most people saw was that. But being vulgar and judgmental is part of who I am. I wasn't being honest. Not even to someone whom I had supposedly "loved" so passionately. I am not saying that I was trying to be someone I am not. But I was merely choosing the parts of me to show to the world, even to X. 

I told M about my realisation after I got home, and she agreed. And she said I am more fun this way. #flipshair #bitchpleaseimfabulous

HAHAHAHHAHAHAA. Okay, all solemnity has just gone out of the window. But I guess we all learn something about ourselves everyday, yes? :D

........

Yayyy, back with my weekly updates about the past week! Eggcites bo? This is the one post every week that I appeal to you to allow me to spam my Singlish and not be so anal about my grammar and shit. :D 

HELLO MAGNEBRO, don't scold me for scolding you on my blog already hehehehe; I am always genuinely happy to see your texts every morning :D Nice to know that we're still sharing our lives even though we're 10,516.83km apart! ITZ OKAY 2 DAYS TO YOUR RETURN TO GOTHAM RIGHT HAHAHHAHHAHA!  /bumps

You guys probably saw a similar picture last week already but yes! Tuesday saw me really inspired to dress up even though I was just going back to BP after work for tuition. :D

To save you from scrolling, this is my #OOTD for that day :)))

And because it was tuition after, there's nothing much to write about.

WEDNESDAYYYYYY; saw me lugging shitloads of stuff to work because the plan was to PARTYYYYYYYY that night. #OOTD; Blazer c/o Topshop, Bustier dress c/o BKK, Nude stilettos c/o Charles&Keith

I am mostly wearing that pair of heels to party because they not only look good, but insanely comfortable to dance in for a sane period of time.

After work, changed out to my party outfit and yes I am wearing denim shorts to club, and I forego-ed the usual falsies just because wearing skin tight dresses and spamming make up to club is too damn mainstream. Really is don't give a flying fck what is the norm and what people think. I WANT TO WEAR SHORTS, GOT A PROBLEM, COME AT ME BRUH.

Entire outfit c/o Topshop.

Crowd that night was INSANE. Which I had expected since it was the eve of a PH. The whole world seemed like they were there, saw my seniors and friends whom I've never seen in a long time (and my eyecandy kekekeke even though everyone doesn't get why he's an eyecandy PFFT I LIKE GOOD ENOUGH)

Sour plum shots with my girls, then headed to Riverside to find E and friends!

The Original 3 plus our beloved FH whom we can actually just induct into the Originals. :D

Spamming our group shots because we hardly ever take a nice proper one so here's 3! 

Funny story; le BFF suggested that we all party in Red&White that day in honour of our nation's birthday. She was so enthusiastic about it whereas the 3 of us were like "are you kidding that's sooo retarded."  I am pretty sure FH and me were never taken by the idea, and gullible J didn't know that FH and me wouldn't be following the dresscode PLUS le BFF decided not to follow the dresscode too because she thought J wouldn't be decked in R&W BUT...

Look at the pictures. HAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAA J WAS THE ONLY ONE IN R&W. But ohwells, she got a free flaming from le BFF for her enthusiasm! :D

3am, seated outside valet because our feet were KILLING US! Music at Phuture that night was AMAZEBALLS BECAUSE LINCEY WAS SPINNING! I absolutely ADORE HIS MIXES THEY ARE SO GOOD, he was dropping the beats of Dimitri Vegas, Hardwell, Alesso, OMG I DIED AND WENT TO MUSICAL HEAVEN THAT NIGHT. 

And seriously, "If I lose myself" IS THE BEST DAMN SONG TO SHUFFLE IN. Which is the reason why I am pretty damn sure my toe nails are gonna fall off soon. Too much shuffling in heels that night; but it's a good dance move to pull to get more space to yourself (and your friends) and to ward off unwarranted hands and crotches HAHAHAHAHA.

Hello BFF /kissykissy heartshape you times infinity :D

After party saw us at Swee Chooooooooon! Fat die me, but I was dying of hunger! I won't bother explaining the food la, pretty sure most Singaporeans have tried Swee Choon so...

Mega yums in ma tums, and basically we ate all the calories that we burnt on the dancefloor LOL. But thats the best way to end off an awesome night :)))

I am a weird fella, I always auto-wakeup after the night out partying. Here I am, with 6 hours of sleep, taking pictures of my sleeping beauties :D

HELLO FANGGGGGGG :D 

HELLO BFF /KISSYKISSY HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Damn lazy bums, we were supposed to gym that day but everyone was so nua, and the nua-ness rubbed off on me so gym ended up a no-go zzzzzzzz. 

Smokes at the stairwell with FH while waiting for my pig of a BFF to wake up hehe. Natural sunlight is the best lighting to take photos in. Felt like Wall-E though, just sitting there basking in some light and warmth. 

The exact thoughts while I took this picture: "Dayum my toes still hurt".

Because gym was no-go, the 3 of us headed to JEM for dunch with BFF's sister, and also to meet M for smokes and chitchat :D

This was good..

this wasn't..

this was nothing spectacular.

We were dunching at the food court, and these were from the store selling like steamed stuff. If you're there and keen to try this, just get the first dish. 'Twas pretty dope.

After which I went home and had an early night zzzzzzz......

...and nua-ed most of my Friday away because I was just soooooooooo lethargic! My Friday went like that:

• woke up
• oatmeal for breakfast
• Cable-d
• ordered delivery for lunch
• Cloud Atlas-ed (which was such a beautiful epic film by the way!!! Thanks A for the intro!)
• Spotify-ed some tunes and drifted into a glorious afternoon nap
• woke up with the intention to run but decided to youtube and call mama (feeling guilty about staying out so much lately)
• went to town to meet my lovely folks and uncle for dinner! :DDD

#OOTD for that night; knit shrug c/o Topshop, brown tank top c/o F21, Red highwaisted shorts c/o Topshop, Sperry.

If you're following me on IG, you would have seen another variation of my OOTD, so yep I look like an old ahpek here HAHHAHAHAHA. Whateverrrr~~

Korean food for dinner that day. This is the damn dope korean food from Meridian food court (now it's called Concorde Hotel or something). $6.90 I believe and you get a heap of grilled seasoned chicken DAMN WORTH IT. 

Tully's Coffee after dinner for dessert :D The Walnut Brownie looks meh BUT SO GOOD!! I usually prefer Fudge Brownies, but this is reallly too good to pass!

Lately I like tying my hair in a bun because it's at this awkward length of not being long, and not being short. After I let it down, my hair has this really nice natural wave to it. :D So happy this is why YOU SHOULD NEVER REBOND YOUR HAIR. If this was my rebonded hair (in the past I did rebond my hair once) it would just be like this ||||||||||. SO FUGLY.

#motd, in honour of our Nation's birthday, red eyeline above the usual black #cheapthrill #likethatalsocan

And seriously, why nobody likes the sad songs I listen to? /pouts they are really nice songs lehhhhhhh /whines. The current figures for that playlist is now 320 plays and 23 likes. HUGE DIFFERENCE FROM THE FIRST 2 PLAYLIST LE SIGH.

Follow me on 8tracks okay? :D @jolenequek

Saturday brekkie with korkor; Rye wholemeal bread from Marche, topped with Herb Apple Ham, oven roasted tomatoes and butterhead lettuce, Bruschetta style. Yums in my tums I had 2 of these :D 

Pandan afterwards to support my forever teammies for their polo competition. 

Watching the matches really made me miss polo sooooo damn much. Feel like going back to the sport, but can I? Should I? OHWELLLS.

Went home after the matches to change and off to meet the GTS friends. Haven't met them in 3 years I believe, crazy long time! 

Actually I went home mainly because my phone was dying. I know I have 2 phones but I am overly attached to my iPhone and my blackberry... fuck that shit that phone sucks. LOL.

But yeah I was wearing a cropped top to Pandan, and I didn't really wanna wear it at night so I went home to change into some form of knitwear. 

Charge phone still can waste battery take selfie, #winliao

Couldn't find a chance to take an OOTD so this is the best I can do. HAHAHA.

On the bus down to Katong, suddenly found myself craving to listen to this song!! It used to be my favourite in Secondary 3!! Anybody remembers this song???? :D

So it was Fatboy's for dinner, and I wasn't feeling too hungry so I settled for some Chilli Cheese Fries, which I couldn't finish as well. G was exaggerating how that portion of fries would only suffice as his snack, I was like thinking WTF SNACK?!

Finally had my long awaited beeeeeer! I am seriously growing old, I really hated beer last time but now I always look forward to a glass of ice cold beer :D

This?! SNACK? Okay but these were pretty good, didn't expect it to be even the slightest bit of spicy but they were a little, so a pleasant surprise there!

Once we were done with dinner, we swapped our indoor seats for the outdoor ones and got up to date with our lives and stuff over beer and smokes. Lovely chilling session, but I had way too many smokes that night, and overestimated my beer limit again. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

So I was onboard 966, which was a straight route home. I fell into a beer-induced sleep and woke up at what I thought was "my stop". I quickly rang the bell to alert the driver just to realise I was going to stop at the wrong stop!! Worse still, nobody alighted. /hidesface walewwwwwwwwwww damn malu lehhhh. And can you see my glassy glassy eyes. I hereby name such face (eyes) "BEER GOGGLES". Thankfully I decided not to take up PT's offer of playing LAN at Geylang else I foresee myself walking like a zombie that night.

I prepped for bed time and was reviewing my blog stats for the day when I saw that. LOLOLOL SUPER FUNNY OMG THANKS THANKS :D:D:D:D

Woke up the next morning to this on whatsapp. THIS MAGNEBRO OF MINE AHHHH. DON'T SEND FOOD, COME AND SEND CHANEL BOY TSKKKKKKK MAKE ME GIAN TTM ONLY. IZ OKAY ONE DAY YOU'LL BE MINE. AND THAT DAY IS DAMN SOON. JUST SO YOU WAIT.

FINALLY MANAGED TO HIT THE GYM for the week. Went with my korkor, and it was an excellent gym session. I am feeling the aches from all the bicep curls and... whatever other exercise I did I have no idea what they're called. Haven't carried my Crumpler out in so long, made me feel like I was a poloist again that day :D SIGHHHHHH.

Went off to JEM with my korkor and mommy after lunch with daddy as well to wait for M to get ready. THIS ^^^^ IS A MUST TRY FROM MARK'S & SPENCER. ALMOND CROISSANT OMG SO DAMN YUMMY :O Their chocolate chip cookie is worth a try too!! :D

Saw this on my Ninjas' group chat and I went all "OMG OMG MY BRO!!"

Damn proud seriously, Armstrong I AM SOOOOO PROUD OF YOU. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Really so thankful for all my bros, always have my back one :') Especially this bro ah, then his girlfriend also so nice so funny so chio ones, my favourite couple sia :') 

Okayokay back to topic, so I met M shortly after and we headed to town because I needed to collect The Colour Run race pack, but it was a logistical nightmare there. People were queuing a good 4 hours for the collection of the race pack. Since the queue was open till 11, we decided to catch The Conjuring. I don't usually feel the want to catch a horror film in theatres but everyone on my Twitter timeline was talking about how scary it was and it most definitely intrigued me. Especially when KC tweeted "...most scariest..." 2 superlatives in one sentence. MUST BE DAMN SCARY. 

Okay la, after movie thoughts; I think it's a pretty good horror film. They don't employ cheap tricks to scare you, but I had a few (too many) good screams in the theatre. So much so that M had to apologise to the people sitting beside us HAHAHAHAHHAHAA. But quite funny though, everytime someone in the film did something silly like, going into the cellar or using the musical box in the cellar, you could hear people go "DON'T LEH YOU STUPID YOU STUPID" Fucking funny. And M has a damn cute way of ignoring the movie too, half the time I can tell her eyes are on the seat divider between us LOLOLOL! 

So yes would I recommend the film? Please go ahead :D

After the movie, went down to Scape again to check out the queue. It was still pretty crazy but manageable. BUT I didn't manage to get my race pack in the end thanks to some fuck up in the system. Hope everything works out in the end today when BFF goes down to find out what happened.

Bus-ed back to BP with M, was waiting for her bus when she suggested getting some beer at KSL. WALAO SIBEI UNCLES SIA WE, sit at the kopitiam with 2 bottles of Tiger. But it turned out to be a really good heart to heart session :} I think we both got a little tipsy at the end of it because we were laughing alot while walking back to my place. Chatted more under my block before she left at 1. It amazes me how we always have so much to talk about! :D

Had a good beer-induced sleep again till I almost overslept this morning. :/

........

And that sums up my National Day week! :D Hope yours was as good as mine! :D 

Parting thought:
TaoHuay pudding stall A has been selling taohuay pudding for a few months. It hit off well with the masses and soon TauHuay stall B decided to change from selling mehhhh tauhuay to tauhuay pudding as well. So A has a few certain quirks that makes it what it is. A is only opened every Monday and it names its items on the menu by their initials. Suddenly B starts displaying similarities in its operations and even went to the extent of opening a day earlier than A!

Does that make B the original? Nope, it just makes B look like the desperate wannabe. 

Everyone is watching, for God's sake, please behave yourself in public. If you have what it takes, you don't need to feel threatened by anything. 

EXPIRATION DATE;

Placing a totally irrelevant selfie in this post before I start off;

........

I just finished watching Before Sunrise, and I had this little thought. It may come across strange, and impractical but I am just thinking out loud. 

Before I start on my little hypothesis, you may need to watch the film first. If you have, good. If you haven't, and you have the intention to watch it, then you might want to scroll to the next section. If you don't intend to watch it, then allow me to provide the gist of the storyline below.

{spoiler alert}

The film is basically about 2 individuals, who had a chance encounter on the Eu-rail. The lady is French, and she's going back to Paris for school. The man is American, and he's got time to spare from a failed trip to Madrid to visit his now ex-girlfriend. It was his last night, and he was slated to alight at Vienna. They started conversing, and at his stop, he convinced her to get off the train with him and explore Vienna together for his one last night in Europe before he left for America. She agreed.  So the film showcases the conversations they had, the interactions between them and how it escalated to a sort-of romantic encounter. The film ended with them not exchanging any contacts, but with a promise to meet again at the same place in 6 months time.

.......

Throughout the whole film, you could tell through their conversations that they didn't withhold anything. Their answers were unabashed and truthful; they weren't afraid to speak their mind to each other and there wasn't a need to impress each other. You could also tell that they knew what they had together was special, and all they wanted to do was make full use of the little time they had together to know each other as much as they could. 

It kind of struck me that, it was beautiful simply because they knew there was an end to their story. When you know something isn't going to last forever, you tend to cherish it more? Am I right? I guess some of us have the 'ability' to constantly tell ourselves to cherish what we have because you never know when it's going to be taken away from you; but it's human nature that most of us, take things for granted most of the time.

So I had this peculiar projection of a possible experiment. What if one day I decide to get into a relationship with someone, and I tell him forefront that when we get together, I will leave him in 2 years. We will have a happy relationship but by 2 years time (nah maybe not 2 years, thats too damn long), we shall just walk away from each other. 

Having that thought constantly in your head, makes you want to appreciate what you have more wouldn't it? And as time goes by, and the clock ticks down to the last day, you'd want to make it as beautiful as it can be, wouldn't you? You would want to make everyday count.

The concept is the same with the film. You meet this one person that you just have to know. But all you have is 24 hours. You would make that 24 hours count. It doesn't matter if you don't agree on everything, all it matters is both of you are spending time together, knowing each other. 

Have you noticed that everything we do in life, we do it as though we have all the time in the world to pursue and subsequently possess it? But do we really have all the time in the world? 

........

It is a peculiar thought, isn't it? Not too sure if I am making any sense, my eyelids are getting quite heavy as I was typing so the portion towards the end may seem a little off (though I hope it isn't). 

/shrugs, I really think too much, don't I?

REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS IN A NUTSHELL: TRANSITIONALS, BUFFERS & WHY YOU SHOULD STEP AWAY FROM THE LIGHT WHEN THEY’RE NOT OVER THEIR EX

If you’ve ever found yourself involved with someone that’s recently broken up, still not over their ex, separated, divorced, or widowed, they’re a Transitional, someone with emotional and/or legal a relationship ending, which means that they may not be over their ex, are still going through grieving the loss of the relationship/person and are struggling with their feelings about commitment and being emotionally available. They’re not ready to be vulnerable yet, which means no intimacy or commitment.

They may be typically emotionally available and going through a period of temporary unavailability due to the transition, or they may be habitually unavailable anyway. Either way, you don’t want to get caught in the crossfire because if you do, it’ll be on the rebound because you will help them avoid uncomfortable feelings about the transition and the loss.

It’s very possible that under a whole other set of circumstances, that maybe you could have had a committed relationship, which of course would be under the proviso that not only are they typically emotionally available but that under the new circumstances you wouldn’t be a Fallback Girl (or Guy) either.

There’s an element of this situation that’s down to ‘bad timing’, but to blame it mostly on timing is to miss some glaring problems. Don’t get things twisted – they’re not underdifferent circumstances and you’ve missed the one piece of information that deals a crushing blow to anything you have in mind - they’re not over their ex. It doesn’t matter whether it’s that they’re scared shitless of commitment or intimacy or whether they’re moping after their ex or creeping around behind your back having talks with them; they’reunavailable.

It’s code red, abort mission, game over, no credits, the moment and I really do mean the moment, that you discover that you’re involved with someone on the rebound.

They’ve overestimated their capacity for a relationship and pushed down their feelings about their ex because they use you, albeit not always intentionally, to help you get them through this transition. If they’re typically emotionally unavailable or just the type that likes to be in a relationship, they won’t be good at being on their own but may be operating under the misguided notion that if you’re specialenough that they’ll magically get over their ex and be available to you, which is pretty damn lazy.

Unfortunately, we need time to process and heal to be truly available and when we don’t, we use other people as emotional airbags.

If you have been involved with a Transitional, you are aBuffer, the person that lessens the impact of the fallout from their previous relationship. You cushion their exit by providing a soft landing and unfortunately, if you don’t heed the great big glaring code red that they’re not over their ex, you’ll also be the bridge to another relationship and a revitalised them. Ever fumed that you were with a Transitional, only to break up with them and them becoming available in the next relationship? It’s almost like you’re Heartbreak Hotel or Emotional Rehab.

You may not fully realise your role but you’re basically helping them get over their ex with the view that when theyare over them, your compassion and support will be rewardedwith the relationship you want. You avoid your feelings by buffering them.

Often too compassionate and likely to make yourself indispensable by trying to be and do everything that you think they need in order to be distracted from their transition, you hide your commitment resistance behind theirs. You may even substitute being indispensable for actually being intimate in your relationship, which is why I hear from so many women in particular that have practically turned themselves into skivvies, sexual play things, and bankrollers in barely there relationships.

In trying to prove your worth and ‘win’ their affections, you compete with their ex, old life, baggage etc and end up being boggled if not downright infuriated and indignant that they can’t give you what they appear to have given to others. You then get that horrible message that you’re not good enough.

You think that being good ‘enough’ is when you have the power to drag someone out of their grief. It’s like “How the frick can you be thinking about them when I’m here ready to give you a relationship and love you?”

You’ve accommodated so much it feels like you’ve put in too much to leave so you’re waiting around for your investment to come good while also hiding your fear of putting yourself out there with someone who is genuinely available and not trapping you in a holding pattern of waiting for a sequence of events to take place for you to get the relationship you want.

Eventually you realise it’s not the divorce papers, or the the fact that their ex keeps pestering them, or that they need ‘more time’; you realise that they don’t want to commit and are not available for the relationship you want. The Transitional also picks up that you can’t be that serious about commitment if you’re hanging around with them, even though they may have Future Faked and being obstructive about letting go of you.

To be fair, if you’re the Buffer, the Transitional likely recognises that on and off paper, you’re a great catch so they want to keep you as an option should they ever get their shit together. They’re afraid of making a mistake in letting you go and are afraid that if they do, someone else will snap you up. So they hedge their bets. On your time.

Often when you’re a Buffer, you don’t recognise how wrong this is because you’d be involved with someone when you’re not over ex also.

It’s critical to grieve the loss of relationships instead of avoiding your feelings by hopping back into the dating saddle and if you stay, those feelings they’re avoiding don’t get resolved – they get numbed and create more walls between you both. You deserve better than hanging around in someone else’s shadow.

There’s nothing wrong with being hurt from the end of a relationship or having feelings to deal with as a result of what’s happened. Breakups happen, people separate, divorces happen, and sometimes we lose a loved one through death. There’s nothing wrong with any of these four things (although I do caution against getting involved with separated people that are not definitively divorcing and ‘on a break’), but thereis something wrong with you being used for the fringe benefits of a relationship without the commitment, with being kept in their back pocket as an option, being used to avoid difficult feelings that prevent being available to you, and expecting you to wait around like you don’t have better things to do with your time.

If you ask anyone if they’re ‘using’ you, even when they are, they will deny it.

It’s not how we like to be seen, but fact is, that’s what a rebound relationship involves. Just because they think you’re getting to have a ‘good time’ out of it or that you probably don’t want to commit anyway doesn’t make it right.

While some people will be honest when they recognise that they’re not over their ex/unable to commit, plenty aren’t. They hope for their feelings to catch up and like everything else in life, actions speaks louder than words. Your relationship will be missing the landmarks such as commitment, progression and intimacy.

Don’t leave it up to them to do the right thing – you have to be the one to opt out. Someone who is avoiding their feelings is not in an emotionally honest position to do the right thing by you, never mind for themselves.

Never get involved with or remain with someone that’s not over their ex because you will devalue yourself and believe you’re not good enough when in actual fact, they’re in denial about a past relationship. They might be a ‘great person’, but they’re not available and it’s best for them to come back when they are instead of using you like some high absorbency kitchen roll to soak up their pain. But don’t wait around. That will stop you making someone else your rebound.

........

credits: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/rebound-relationships-in-a-nutshell-transitionals-buffers-why-you-should-step-away-from-the-light-when-theyre-not-over-their-ex/

........

Which is why I always believed in giving myself time to mourn and grieve loss. I may whine and get overly emotional about loss, but at least I am allowing nature to take it's course. 

Only commit when you're ready, not when you're lonely.

In all honesty, sumpah if not I grow one lampah for you, I am not bitter or whatever that he has seemingly moved on. Disregarding a lot of factors that in my opinion seem way too coincidental to label as "fate", which explains my previous angsty post; but if it's something for real real, then yes I am happy for them. Because as much as it sucks, sometimes when you meet the right person, time isn't really a factor. It is just unfortunate that I was collateral damage. It's sweet to know that I have people rallying behind me, people whom are not even close to me but understood the situation, because they think I've been nothing but the best I can be for him and that it sucks that he has already seemingly moved on. I guess sometimes no matter much has been invested, if it is the wrong investment, it just won't take off. But hey, at least I tried. 

I don't know how to phrase this parting thought that's in my head in a politically correct manner so I'm just going to leave it out. But just make sure when you do something, you're doing it for the right reasons. 

But if you're just using each other, then hey, who am I to judge? But girlssssssss, usually don't do something without expecting something in return soooo, /shrugs. 

Which explains why I usually can't be bothered with relationships or even dating until I'm truly and surely certain about it. 

Cheers to the long weekend :D

#nowwatching; The Joy Luck Club

watch from 04:37 onwards.

........

At first, it was just a bunch of little things, loving things a wife would do behind the scenes without him even knowing. You know, like paying the household bills, buying him special gifts that showed my love. The beautiful part was, he never had to ask for any of this. In fact, he never even knew. I told myself that was the selfless way, the loving way instead of the chicken shit way. And, over time, I could see that Ted was becoming bored. We said less and less. So I tried harder.

........

“What you going to do with leftovers after he eats one slice?” 

Throw it away, I guess.

“You ask yourself why you make this? Because I know, even if you don't.”

I like being tragic, Ma. I learned it from you.

“You think he sees this pie; now he's so sorry he take you for granted. You think this, you the foolish one. Every time you give him gift, like begging. ‘Take this. Oh, sorry. Please forgive me. I'm not worth as much as you.’ So he only take you more for granted. Never know what you're worth. Until too late. I was raised the Chinese way. I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people's misery, and to eat my own bitterness. But, no, this cannot be. This, this not knowing what you're worth. This not begin with you.”

........

You're not taking any part of me. 'Cause you don't know who I am. It's not your fault, none of it. I was the one who told you that my love wasn't good enough; that your love was worth more than mine. I was so full of shit. 

........

I love this movie so much, I first watched it during Literature class and I guess I never really understood till I caught it unintentionally on HBO last Saturday.

The whole situation; the whole persona that Rose portrayed, hit too close to home. I behaved exactly like Rose, putting someone's happiness above mine, and think that counted as love. And that is not the way. I lost myself during the whole process, now I need to find myself back. 

JOJO BACK IN THE GAME;

Woke up feeling strangely good about myself. :} Even though it's tuition day again today, I felt this motivation to dress up and look as good as I felt inside. Walked to the bus stop and I could feel a lot of prowling eyes fixated on my posterior LOL. In usual cases I would shoot them a dirty look, but today I decided to take it in my stride and take it as a compliment that I looked good. HAHAHHAA, OMG my self esteem today is damn last warning. But I need it. :) And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am enough.

It's so weird how when you start looking at things the positive way, somehow the world seems to go in your favour. Like one classic example, I was smoking downstairs during lunch and suddenly I spotted my eyecandy (a guy this time HAHAHAHA) at the smoking area too! I've never seen him there before! :D Perhaps I was too preoccupied with all my silly thoughts to notice his existence. Hehe, #cheapthrills. :P I feel good about something. Something in the wind has changed. :}

yeahhh, I'd tap that ass. [#OOTD; entirely in Topshop]

So yes, I am officially going to stop whining and pining for, God forbid I don't know what, and start living for myself. :D /wavesssss :D:D:D

Happy Tuesday y'all! Hope you're having as splendid a day as I am!! :D

V FOR VENDETTA;

or Vagina, which is also the proper term for the word Pussy. Which in any case, 2 such persons are.

Everything that I previously blogged about, still stands true generically. In some cases, you got to stand by what you believe in. Standing by when you don't get loved, blah blah yada yada. But it's only true, in certain situations. 

HAPPINESS.

How do you define happiness. I am sure everyone has heard of a saying, "do what makes you happy." To what extent do you apply this? If I were to tell you, I derive pleasure from watching people squirm as I stab them repeatedly, with a dagger, into their hearts, would you tell me "yeah whatever makes you happy?"

A normal decent person would tell you, no you're fucking mad because that's wrong. What's wrong, will always be wrong, no matter how hard you try to justify it. If you derive pleasure from watching other people suffer, then I wonder just how twisted your perception and definition of happiness is. 

If you're doing something that's unintentionally causing someone else immense pain and hurt, then perhaps maybe you're only partially in the wrong. But if you go ahead doing what you're doing, even though you're well aware of the situation, MANNNNN YOU FUCKED UP. And I am sure by now if you've been reading my blog, you would know how I just ABHOR FUCKED UP PEOPLE WHO KEEP DOING THAT FUCKED UP THING THEY'RE DOING WITH NO CONCERN FOR WHO THEY TRAMPLE ON TO GET THEIR DESIRED OUTCOME.

If you're really happy, then go the hell ahead and just be happy. Why do you feel the need to constantly remind yourself that it doesn't matter if what you're doing is wrong, as long as you're happy? Guilty conscience much? 

And trust me, if you have to constantly do that, I feel sorry for you. 

What's yours will be yours, you don't have to be someone you're not just to get what you want. Like I've said, if you have to try so hard to be something you're not, truth will prevail someday and the world will see you for what you really are. And honey, that ain't a pretty sight.

MAN.

And what is the definition of a Man? A Man is someone who is matured, and has since grown up from being a boy. Now what is the difference between a Man and a boy? A Man, has BALLS, a boy has a sad excuse of one. (Note here: I am not really talking about a Man and a boy, but more of the maturity level of the male species.) A Man makes decisions, and do not drag their feet on major issues of their life. If you did something that you think is wrong, as a Man, you would have the BALLS to tell the truth, however people may perceive you after that; just because it is the right thing to do and you're matured enough to make that decision and stick to it. 

Truly, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, chip off the old block. One deserts, the other walks away, and now this... can't even make a decision and live with it. 

If you feel offended, ask yourself honestly "what do you feel now? You feel proud? Do you feel like you're doing the right thing?" If you are, then good. Make sure you feel that way ALL THE TIME. But if you feel like you're constantly hiding something, or you feel like what you do is wrong, honey maybe you should trust your guts.

You can't choose where you come from. You can't choose where you're born into; but you sure can choose where to go from there. If your family background is less than stellar, you can either choose to walk down the same path, and continue the vicious cycle; or rise above it and change the course to how you want it to be. 

Think about it, every single time things start to seemingly fall apart and you choose to walk away from it. What does that teach you? Nothing. You walk into another one, and you be happy for that period of time and when things start to seemingly fall apart again, what do you do? Walk away again? Then may I ask, when exactly are you going to grow up?

Growing old, and growing up is entirely 2 different things. You may be aging, but you certainly are not wising up.

Growing up, means seeing a problem for what it is, a problem, and working to find a solution, not bury your head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist and wait for it to blow over. The problem is still going to be there, and eventually you become your own problem. 

Real friends who truly want the best for you, will tell you straight that what you're doing is fucked up. Even if they don't tell you straight, they recognise it and would attempt to guide you in the right directions. Plainly because they want the best for you, and they want you to grow. We all have "friends" who are there by your side for the longest time, but when Shit happens, ask yourself who has proven themselves worthy?

Being a friend, doesn't just mean saying all the niceties and leaving the lessons unlearnt. 

 ........

I don't need to say anything else. I believe this is self-explanatory. Just so you know, everything is wiped clean. I don't take things that have been stained. 

It may come as a shock to you, the words I spew out sometimes, but this is me. As of now, I really don't give a shit about what happens anymore. Because clearly it doesn't matter. Just know that you can't do shit like this, and expect things to be fine at the end of the day. I sincerely hope for your sake, that you made the right decision. And if you don't, I hope for your sake that you will learn from your poor judgement. 

"There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice."

And I am sure you know it; that's some big shoes she has to fill. THEN AGAIN, I am sure she will considering HOW MASSIVE SHE IS LOL. In any case, both of you deserve each other.

Okay, with that..

WHY I BLOG;

Just before I start on today's topic, just like to plaster one DP-worthy (in my opinion hehe) picture of myself. Narcissism at it's best, /waves. Sometimes I wonder why I like taking pictures of myself and plastering them all over social media. I mean, honestly, I don't think I am pretty. And when I do upload pictures of myself, I am honestly not fishing for compliments. But it's more of "I know I am not pretty, but I like to document the best parts of myself with good lighting, and good angles." At least when I look back at all these pictures, I won't cringe all the time and wonder "what a bad looking kid" I was back then. Not that I need to justify everything I do to people who don't really care, but, just FYI. 

If people were to pay me a compliment, thanks for acknowledging my efforts. I know I am not extremely aesthetically pleasing, but I do try. Very hard indeed. But if you think I am not aesthetically pleasing enough for you, and you want to tell me in my face, go right ahead. Your mouth, I can't stop you from doing so. But I do try, not for your visual pleasure, but for mine. LOL. As long as I'm happy with how I look at times, that's plenty good enough for me. 

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Disclaimer: This is really just my views, my perception on the blogosphere. There is no intention to offend anyone, no way no how. 

I always find it hard to start writing on a topic. When I read some specific individual's website, I marvel at their writing styles, and their vocabulary, and how they are able to string their thoughts into a cohesive and relevant sentence yet make it look and sound so sophisticated. Do they think and draft their thoughts on a Word document and subsequently copy and paste it into their posts before submitting it online? Or are their thoughts, just that sophisticated in their raw format? Because how I blog, is just me, regurgitating my thoughts into words straight into the screen as you're reading it right now. It's like me, talking to you, through this very screen you're looking at right now. Am I making any sense? 

M was telling me on Saturday (or was it Friday), that my train of thoughts are all over the place. Even when I converse with people, be it face to face, or via texts, the things I say jump all over the place. I could be talking to you about the weather right now, and the next thing you know, we're talking about my lunch yesterday. And I think this jumbled thoughts situation I am in really rubs off on my writings. 

See, we got off track again. Anyways, why am I blogging about this is because I am curious to know, what exactly makes an interesting blog? And why do people blog?

I started blogging on this very platform, blogger, since eons ago. Ever since I was in secondary 2, I believe, but the language used in my posts back then is pure disaster. It's so horrible, I have since revert their status to 'draft'. HAHA. So nobody can read what I wrote back then, and scorn at what poor grammar and vocabulary I have. 

But I guess the essence of why I blog, never really changed much since then. This blog, which went through a whole series of different address down to the current one (which is my name), has mainly been an outlet for me to share my life, and my thoughts. Nothing much changed. In between, somewhere around 2007 to 2009, I started to cut down a lot on blogging. I started coming back to this site when I broke up with R, mainly because I needed somewhere to pen my thoughts, and anger. LOL. Apologies, R.

It was easier to blog then too, when I graduated from Polytechnic shortly after the break up, and had plenty of time on hand and my part time job as a Scoopy at B&J allowed me to blog frequently. But after graduation, I found my first full time employment, subsequently got into my next serious relationship and my dear blog, got neglected again. 

I came back here from time to time from 2010 to end 2011 and documented little snippets of my life. Nothing much, just minor hiccups and release of pent-up emotions due to work-related issues. 

I only started getting back into really blogging when I got my Canon G12 at the end of 2011. I reckon, with better quality pictures, I could blog more interesting articles perhaps?

Readership started to increase, no doubt about it. Honestly, I have no idea who is reading my blog, but it felt nice, to know that there are people out there who are interested in what you're writing about. (: Though nobody comments much on my blog, it was a sort of mini motivation for me to write more frequently. 

Then came the whole craze about blogging and it being a possible profession. And suddenly everyone wanted to be a blogger. Everyone wanted to be like Xiaxue. I mean, it's nice to be able to work as a blogger. Everyone wanted to just sit at home, get invited to events, get sponsored all sorts of products, and just basically get paid to do something seemingly as easy as write about it (which for your information is far from easy, but maybe I'll talk about that in another post). Plus it must feel really good to be "popular", suddenly everybody wants to know you, anything and everything about you. 

I'll be real honest, I was tempted. The idea of being able to earn a living from blogging, sounds like a dream to me. 

Firstly, I love writing. I love expressing my thoughts. I love being able to convey my thoughts to people, which is why I love talking to people. I like the exchange of ideas; and I love reading blogs that showcase the way an individual thinks. 

Secondly, maybe it's just me, but to be someone who others would like to emulate, sounds pretty darn cool to me. Like when you see someone on IG, you'd be like "Whoa she's so cool, I wish I was half as cool as her." Obviously I don't mean I want to BE her. It's just, most people want to always be the best of themselves, and if this individual is your perception of what you want to be, you would start to mentally break down, what makes her cool, and kind of adopt that into your own style? I mean, what is originality? Somewhere, somehow, it has got to start from somewhere right? So what makes something The Original? 

...suddenly lost my train of thoughts... oh yes!

So I was saying, I was tempted. If you've been reading my blog since back then, you would have perhaps seen me put somewhere on my left side bar, "to contact me for any advertorial/sponsorship queries". Just merely writing it out, makes me want to cringe like I just ate a lemon. I can't believe I actually once thought I was all that and placed it there. Ewww.

So what changed?

I guess somewhere along the road to self-discovery (as a girl who blogs), I realised the term blogger became such a flippant word. It got thrown around so carelessly, and easily. Anyone who has a blogger/wordpress/livejournal/tumblr account automatically became a blogger. Which is why now I refuse that term, I prefer being called, the girl who blogs. I am just someone who blogs. But I am not a blogger. That is, disclaimer once again, my definition. 

Blogs used to be an avenue for people to pen their honest thoughts, and for the documentation of their lives. True bloggers got famous, because people are genuinely interested in their lives, their views on issues in life and such, but now blogs are just a way for any Tom, Dick or Harry to get famous. I used to refer to blogs for honest reviews on some products and services but now so many blogs are exploited for advertorial purposes, I don't even know what to trust anymore!

Yes, I am aware that from time to time, I do do sponsored reviews and posts. But I would like to hereby swear that everything written on this blog, past present and future, will always be my honest, unbiased opinions. Which is why I took down that portion of my side bar that prompts people, "potential advertisers", to contact me to do advertorials. 

I am not saying that advertising on blogs is a stupid move, in fact, I think it's a brilliant move. But I guess with a lot of things, they all started out with good intentions, in this case it was a move of progression in technology and marketing; but it got warped in the process by people giddy for fame.

Now what do I mean by True bloggers? They are the ones who effortlessly get a following, just by being who they are. They don't need to be a sellout to get popular. Whereas now, "bloggers" are a dime a dozen.

Why do I suddenly feel inclined to write about this? I just feel that too many bloggers out there are way too desperate to prove their worth that they fail to see the true 'meaning' or purpose of blogging? Way too many bloggers are blogging for the sake of blogging, and not because they are really passionate in sharing something they know, or sharing their lives? I hope I am making sense here. And I think this is the problem with our society nowadays. Everything is profit-driven, and very little of what we see now is passion-driven. I think people need to realise that the things that ultimately outlast everything else, are the things born of passion. This applies in a lot of context, relationship, business, and in this case, blogging. When you are doing something for the sake of doing it and not because you simply love doing it, one day you get tired of it, and you just not put in your best in doing whatever it is. But when you do something because you love it, you won't ever get tired of doing it, simply because you enjoy it! This sounds familiar right, Steve Jobs once said, "..the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do." Amen, bruh.

Just be who you are; no matter what situation this applies to in Life, relationship or blogging or work or whatever, the right people will stay no matter what. If people like the way you write, they will come back again to read your blog. You don't need tons of sponsorship just to prove your worth, that should be a perk on top of being able to share your life, your thoughts with strangers. (:

OKAY, back to why I blog. So right nowwww, I really enjoy blogging because I have so much thoughts in my head! There are so many from different varieties I don't even know where to begin! I wish I could be the sort of person who could keep everything inside; I wish I could be the sort who was cool and mysterious, the sort that people would scratch their heads trying to understand. But nope. I am somewhat, an open book and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I try my best to be guarded, but I'm an open book instead. DOHHHHH, did I just quote a Lifehouse song, oh yes I did! ;) 

(off track, back on track again) I am also trying to blog more often to hone my writing. There is no point in telling people how much I love the English language and how much I love writing when I don't write much at all, yes? And doing weekly updates does not really give me much of an opportunity to practise writing, mostly the posts are just one big visual spam. I am also aware that perhaps my paragraph structure has much to be improved on; same goes for my grammar and vocabulary, but I am trying :)

........

What a lengthy post. Hopefully it's coherent enough for you. If you're like me, and love thinking about stuff, and love picking people's brains too, let me know of any topics you want to hear my views on and I will maybe blog about it (if I feel strongly enough of it)! 

Till my next post, stay safe!! :D