I'M LOSING MY FAVOURITE GAME;

you're losing your mind again.

........

How was Christmas for you guys? Hope it was all fine and dandy :) It's weird, how much I love Christmas, and how Christmas this year felt the least like Christmas compared to the other years. Yet, I think I received the most presents this year. Then again, a lot of things this year felt a little less like themselves, so I'm not very surprised. Nothing really scares me anymore.

I'm afraid I have to skip on this week's update post; I accidentally deleted all the images from my iphone. So we have no visuals at all :/

I spent my Christmas morning lounging in bed with The xx on and scrolling through Tumblr. I then decided to start packing my room. There are two sections of my cupboard that's just stuffed with unnecessary objects that date all the way back to my childhood years. I've always been a hoarder. Let's say I receive something from someone special and the gift itself has been used or no longer with me anymore, I'd keep the gift wrapper. Just to remind myself of that gift. Which is silly, because when I look through all the random tags and gift wrappers, I could hardly remember anything.They were all, junk. Taking up space, while the new stuff I had acquired recently sat on my table, contributing to a mess. 

It got me thinking, how the way I hoard stuff, resembles the way I hoard memories. Long after the person has gone. &when it comes to the point where there's just too much, and I end up with a cluttered mind. 

Let. Go.

So yesterday, I end up tossing everything in those sections. 10 bags into the bin later, I realised I couldn't even remember what I threw in the first few bags. All these time, I held on to those stuff, hoping that I could hold on to what they meant to me but now I know it was silly move on my part. Nothing lasts forever. What matters, is right now. Appreciate now. Enjoy the moment right now. Because once it's gone, it's gone. You look back, smile about it and soon you'll forget about it. Which is a good, and a bad thing. But we just take it in our stride, that's the most we can do. 

........

This Christmas, I decided to do something I thought I'd never do. I decided to let go of the bitterness and anger within me. I wouldn't take full credit for it though, if something didn't happen, I wouldn't be swayed. But it did, and I was. 

I always felt this deep hatred in me. This sense of anger towards you. And I always thought I'd never feel any different with regards to it. When your birthday came, I asked myself if I should send my regards, but everyone around me said, "for what?" &so I thought to myself, "yeah what for?" 

Then came my birthday. My friends were really sweet; it was a really small group of us, my closest friends from the different groups of friends in my life, but they all came together with no hesitation for me. 945pm, I whipped out my phone to take a picture of my second birthday dinner (all thanks to braces) of porridge and steamed egg, I spotted your name; "Happy birthday".

I stared at my screen for a good 5 minutes, unsure what to make out of it. 

"This must be a mistake."

I always had this notion that it was a mutual thing, after all that has transpired between us, that we hated each other. But this... I don't understand.

M saw, and she went on to guilt trip me, "he's taking the mature path now uh, dyou feel guilty now that you didn't wish him?"

........

Putting aside everything that happened; your inaction, your escapism, my bursts of anger, my harsh words;

I'm sorry.

Not for what I did, because that's me, that's just how I react in accordance to how you react. But I am sorry for how we ended up like this. I don't even know how to describe what we are; detached familiar strangers. 

I no longer long for you. I stopped wishing things didn't end between us. Because in some way or another, I am glad it did. If we didn't end, I'd still be too blinded by us to want anything more for myself.

I have everything I ever wanted right now. A job that I actually look forward to and it's what I've always wanted to do right from the start. I start investing more quality time with my friends. I am financially independent. 

But there are still some times, that I wish I could share with you. Not as a lover/significant other, but as a friend. I know that you'd be happy for me (or at least the past you). And when I think of the friend I lost, it does hurt a little. Or maybe quite a bit. 

Like my new job here at N. I applied for it a few weeks shy of my BKK trip. I saw the posting, applied for it with the mentality "why not? I've got nothing to lose anyways". Fast forward 2 weeks, I got the job. 

Anyone close to me, would testify that I've always wanted to work in the publishing industry. I've tried countless of times to get in, but I always get rejected because I don't possess the prerequisites. Which explains why I tried for SQ. I gave up on my ultimate dream because I thought I'd never be able to accomplish it. So imagine that joy I felt when they told me, "welcome aboard". That feeling was, overwhelming. &it wasn't any other magazine, it was N. My all time favourite magazine, even before there was a Singapore edition. 

This was something you have seen me try and get rejected twice. First with Catalog, &then with SPH. It's something like this, that I wish I could still tell you, "hey guess what! I got the job at N!" 

But I couldn't. 

........

What I did on Christmas eve, was just my way of putting it out there that I don't hate you anymore. I don't even know for sure if I ever hated you. But there. &hopefully one day, someday if we bump into each other, we would smile and remember those happy times. 

Take care my friend, Merry Christmas :)

Eye See;

28032010

Broken

The thing I feared most, came true. 

; you used to lie so close to me

Right from the start,

you were a thief, you stole my heart.

And I, your willing victim.

I let you see the parts of me, that weren't all that pretty;

And with every touch you fixed them.

Now you've been talking in your sleep,

Things you never say to me.

Tell me that you've had enough

Of our love, our love.

It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts.

Oh tear ducts and rust,

I'll fix it for us.

We're collecting dust, but our love's enough.

We're no broken, just bent. &we can learn to love again.

Love rut

"If you feel discouraged when there's a lack of colour here. 

Please don't worry lover, its really bursting at the seams from absorbing everything the spectrum's A to Z."

"It stung like a violent wind, that our memories depend on a  faulty camera in our mind. But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose, than to have never lain beside at all."

"Love is watching someone die.

So who's gonna watch you die?"

&the love kickstarts again..

"And for those who are in a relationship, I just want you to know that EVERY relationship loses its spark after awhile. It is scientifically proven that it happens after 3 years(or 2, i can’t really remember). It feels like ‘deadness’ submerged into the relationship, you feel bored or uninterested etc. It’s perfectly normal, AND IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU STOPPED LOVING THE PERSON. It only means you’ve forgotten how it feels to be in love, but you still love. If you break up with someone because you think “feelings faded” for that person, it’s only gonna keep happening to every relationship you’re gonna have. Every beautiful memories you have created with your boyfriend when you guys were in love will be the strength you need to continue loving him in a brand new way." 

Credits: http://lifeisinstinct.tumblr.com

I have got to say the different events happening around me and the conversations I have with random individuals really get to me sometimes. I feel so despondent whenever I hear stuff like people breaking up and people going to physical relationships like its totally okay. I just.. lose faith in everything I believe in. 

And it really scares me because I really don't think I can handle it if one day my heart gets broken again. I cannot. And I am not saying this because I don't believe in my relationship with J, its just.. things can be so unpredictable. 

I am not sure about you guys but I have heard that during a relationship, after a certain number of years (and its usually more or less the same amount), the relationship will start to get stagnant and thats when you realise why are the people around you suddenly all getting into breakups and most of the time these people got attached around the same time? And I heard that one of the common period is during the second year, which is our next milestone.

I know I am supposed to be happy, and I am! I really am. But I can't shake off this nagging feeling like something really bad is going to happen. I really can't put a finger to it; this emotion I am feeling now. Feeling so afraid of losing something you really really can't live without.

Personally I think no matter what happens, the main concept of a relationship is all about the fight. When there is a quality of your other half that isn't very lovable, will you still fight on because of the other qualities that you love about him/her? When things get boring, will you fight on because you know that there is still love, it just got buried under layers of habitual comfort? 

I know I am really random to pen this down out of the blue, but just got to get it down somewhere to get it off my chest. 

I just really hope that at the end, I am worth fighting for.

I love you b. And sorry if I am very unlovable sometimes :( 

Some say..

"Love, is the person you think of during sad songs."

But sweet sweet love, is the person you think of in everything you encounter everyday. I know I have posted this song before but no words, can describe how much I love this song, and how I see J everytime this song plays. 

"Nothing prepared me for what the privilege of being yours could do

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch

If I had only seen how you smile when you blush"

Well I would have known, what I've been living for, all along..

Its hard to see whats the future like. Or rather, I have learnt not to see too much or rather too far into the future. So what, if two people have been together for the longest time? It doesn't matter. It doesn't guarantee anything at all. 

But as much as I try not to see, every time I think of J, I see what I want in my future. I don't know about him, but I really do. Does anybody else get that feeling? When you think of that one person you love? And you feel like there's this huge mass of love in your chest, just waiting to explode out? And you wanna express it out but you can't find the right way to express it and you just feel like crying? Because all I feel is this big big love; that I love him so much.

Every time he smiles, I'd do anything to see him smile like that everyday, every moment. That twinkly eyes..

When he sleeps, and he makes those unique noises (some of you call that snoring but I find it therapeutic :P) and his sleepy voice, I'd do anything to hear that every morning when I wake up.

When we're out and about, and he suddenly kisses my cheek or my forehead, or suddenly hug me from behind or just grab me around my waist.. seriously who taught this boy all the tricks?

When he whispers "I love you baby"..

Nobody is perfect; sometimes (those rare times) I do get the feeling like, "maybe I am better off being single. I don't need to be accountable to anybody, I can do as I please," because we drive each other mad sometimes. 

But that's what Love does, doesn't it? Love makes people mad. Love makes us experience both ends of the emotion spectrum. But Love is feeling all these different emotions and still wanna be with the same person throughout it all.

"Love isn't just finding someone you have chemistry with, but meeting someone who loves you enough to always keep on trying, no matter how tiring it is."

That's what listening to this song, makes me feel.

If I had only felt how it feels to be yours,

Well, I would have known what I’ve been living for all along.
What I’ve been living for.

Love is..

I know we didn't start off like a fairytale. I was upset. I didn't understand why you were so clammed up. I didn't know how to tell you how much I wanted you. At the same time, I didn't want to let you know how much too. Stuff happened. I thought I'd probably never have you.

But thankfully you realised. Thankfully you opened up. Even though you were skeptical about our future initially. 

As time goes by, we got to know each other even better. With your meagre pay/allowance from NS of $400, you coughed out $300 to buy my wallet for my 20th. Three quarts of your pay, just so that I can get a Kate Spade wallet. Nothing less. 

But still, I made you unhappy at times. Got myself drunk when I party without you. Made promises not to get wasted, but end up falling all over the place, stumbling into your arms at 2am in the morning.

Said never to take things for granted, yet I did. From the start, I was always the first person you thought of when you wake up in the morning. I know because I am always the first person you bbm, at 6ish in the morning. Yet I? 7ish, to 8ish, to 9ish in the morning. While you waited for the text that seemingly never came. To make you feel like you were taken for granted, to make you feel like you're the first thing I think of in the morning..

Throughout these almost 2years of national service, I kept pestering you to go overseas with me. Even though I am fully aware of your financial situation ($400/month), I still kept pestering you about BKK. And you still relent. Yet I wanted more. And could still display disappointment.

Needless to say, the scrapbook you made of us for my 21st, and the TOMs that I wanted so bad from Rockstar, and a super adorable Turtle that I still cuddle to sleep every time you're not with me..

Love is going to all parts of Singapore just because I want to eat something from somewhere.

Love is eating crabs with me even though you aren't a big fan of crabs and hate peeling them.

Love is peeling my prawns for me. Cooked and raw. Because they are too messy, or I didn't want my hands to smell fishy.

Love is never stopping me from doing what I wanna. Even though you don't really like it.

Love is always listening to my boring work stories even though you don't understand half the things I say. 

Love is threatening any douche who bullies me.

I will not mention what have I done in this relationship. Thats not for me to say. But what I want to say is thank you for loving me. Thank you for changing into such a wonderful, amazing person that you are without losing the person I fell in love with on 28 April 2010. Thank you for everything you've done for me that I failed to see. I am sorry for everything I did wrong, and the things I did not do. 

And of course,

My Love is you, Jeremy Chia Jia Ming. 

I love you baby, so fucking much.