WE'RE TOO YOUNG;

..to be this jaded.

........

Never say "never".

I keep telling myself, and everyone around me when they tell me not to give up on Love, that Love is the last thing on my agenda for a long time.

I say it as though Love is so predictable. I say it as though it's so easy to just turn my back on emotions.

Silly me. 

Pardon me la, just that something happened over the holidays that's just so ironic and a slap across my face that I can't stop thinking about it.

It's like the Universe telling me, "so you think you can control it all? Here's a middle finger."

So yes, never say never.

 

I'M LOSING MY FAVOURITE GAME;

you're losing your mind again.

........

How was Christmas for you guys? Hope it was all fine and dandy :) It's weird, how much I love Christmas, and how Christmas this year felt the least like Christmas compared to the other years. Yet, I think I received the most presents this year. Then again, a lot of things this year felt a little less like themselves, so I'm not very surprised. Nothing really scares me anymore.

I'm afraid I have to skip on this week's update post; I accidentally deleted all the images from my iphone. So we have no visuals at all :/

I spent my Christmas morning lounging in bed with The xx on and scrolling through Tumblr. I then decided to start packing my room. There are two sections of my cupboard that's just stuffed with unnecessary objects that date all the way back to my childhood years. I've always been a hoarder. Let's say I receive something from someone special and the gift itself has been used or no longer with me anymore, I'd keep the gift wrapper. Just to remind myself of that gift. Which is silly, because when I look through all the random tags and gift wrappers, I could hardly remember anything.They were all, junk. Taking up space, while the new stuff I had acquired recently sat on my table, contributing to a mess. 

It got me thinking, how the way I hoard stuff, resembles the way I hoard memories. Long after the person has gone. &when it comes to the point where there's just too much, and I end up with a cluttered mind. 

Let. Go.

So yesterday, I end up tossing everything in those sections. 10 bags into the bin later, I realised I couldn't even remember what I threw in the first few bags. All these time, I held on to those stuff, hoping that I could hold on to what they meant to me but now I know it was silly move on my part. Nothing lasts forever. What matters, is right now. Appreciate now. Enjoy the moment right now. Because once it's gone, it's gone. You look back, smile about it and soon you'll forget about it. Which is a good, and a bad thing. But we just take it in our stride, that's the most we can do. 

........

This Christmas, I decided to do something I thought I'd never do. I decided to let go of the bitterness and anger within me. I wouldn't take full credit for it though, if something didn't happen, I wouldn't be swayed. But it did, and I was. 

I always felt this deep hatred in me. This sense of anger towards you. And I always thought I'd never feel any different with regards to it. When your birthday came, I asked myself if I should send my regards, but everyone around me said, "for what?" &so I thought to myself, "yeah what for?" 

Then came my birthday. My friends were really sweet; it was a really small group of us, my closest friends from the different groups of friends in my life, but they all came together with no hesitation for me. 945pm, I whipped out my phone to take a picture of my second birthday dinner (all thanks to braces) of porridge and steamed egg, I spotted your name; "Happy birthday".

I stared at my screen for a good 5 minutes, unsure what to make out of it. 

"This must be a mistake."

I always had this notion that it was a mutual thing, after all that has transpired between us, that we hated each other. But this... I don't understand.

M saw, and she went on to guilt trip me, "he's taking the mature path now uh, dyou feel guilty now that you didn't wish him?"

........

Putting aside everything that happened; your inaction, your escapism, my bursts of anger, my harsh words;

I'm sorry.

Not for what I did, because that's me, that's just how I react in accordance to how you react. But I am sorry for how we ended up like this. I don't even know how to describe what we are; detached familiar strangers. 

I no longer long for you. I stopped wishing things didn't end between us. Because in some way or another, I am glad it did. If we didn't end, I'd still be too blinded by us to want anything more for myself.

I have everything I ever wanted right now. A job that I actually look forward to and it's what I've always wanted to do right from the start. I start investing more quality time with my friends. I am financially independent. 

But there are still some times, that I wish I could share with you. Not as a lover/significant other, but as a friend. I know that you'd be happy for me (or at least the past you). And when I think of the friend I lost, it does hurt a little. Or maybe quite a bit. 

Like my new job here at N. I applied for it a few weeks shy of my BKK trip. I saw the posting, applied for it with the mentality "why not? I've got nothing to lose anyways". Fast forward 2 weeks, I got the job. 

Anyone close to me, would testify that I've always wanted to work in the publishing industry. I've tried countless of times to get in, but I always get rejected because I don't possess the prerequisites. Which explains why I tried for SQ. I gave up on my ultimate dream because I thought I'd never be able to accomplish it. So imagine that joy I felt when they told me, "welcome aboard". That feeling was, overwhelming. &it wasn't any other magazine, it was N. My all time favourite magazine, even before there was a Singapore edition. 

This was something you have seen me try and get rejected twice. First with Catalog, &then with SPH. It's something like this, that I wish I could still tell you, "hey guess what! I got the job at N!" 

But I couldn't. 

........

What I did on Christmas eve, was just my way of putting it out there that I don't hate you anymore. I don't even know for sure if I ever hated you. But there. &hopefully one day, someday if we bump into each other, we would smile and remember those happy times. 

Take care my friend, Merry Christmas :)

PERFECTION;

Wondering if there's anybody out there who just derives pleasure from self inflicting stress. I absolutely hate it when I place such high expectations, not on others, but myself to perform; to be fucking good at what I'm supposed to do. I expect myself to be able to get things right, to be able to excel within a fucking short period of time, even though perhaps its perfectly fine to be learning at this pace. 

But I can't. I want to be better than others. I constantly feel the need to keep pushing myself, until I am perfect. I welcome the challenge;  I am unafraid of hard work. What I fear the most, is the possibility of not being good enough. 

I want to be perfect. I need to be perfect. I need to remain in control. 

IN THE LAND OF GOD & MONSTERS;

I was an angel, living in a garden of evil.

You got that medicine I need.

Dope; shoot it up straight to the heart please.

I don''t really know wanna what's good for me.

........

While most girls had a Barbie-centric childhood, I played with Pokemon figurines and Transformer trucks. They nitpick at their food while I relish at the thought of the cheesy pasta I had just ordered and the Caramel Macchiato with extra whip cream on top. They speak in low decibels but you will hear my voice, audibly and virtually. I own a PSP 1000. I own my brother at Burnout Dominator. 

Sometimes I marvel at how much of a failure of a girl I am. Even my brother had once said to me, "I think I secretly have a younger brother instead of a younger sister."

/shrugs 

Moribus Modestus. It's weird how far away I am from the values of my Alma Mater.

I'LL KEEP YOU MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET;

don't tell anyone, or you'll be just another regret.

Who has to know?

The way she feels inside;

Those thoughts I can't deny.

These sleeping thoughts won't lie;

And all I've tried to hide, it's eating me apart.

........

Because sometimes it's better to just keep it to yourself. Sometimes certain things are meant to be appreciated from afar; loved from afar. Sometimes things are much better off as "unattainable". It's not the easier thing to do; nothing is easy, but it's for the best.

so if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all.

IF YOU LOVE ME HARDCORE;

then don't walk away.

It's a game boy, I don't wanna play.

I just wanna be yours.

Like I always say; Never let me go.

Just stay.

........

Back from +66; I think I left my heart there.

My life has finally picked up; it's finally taking off, everything seems to be going in my favour..

But I still don't know... &I am trying my best not to think about it, not to do anything about it. I extended my trip from 2 November to 4 November, and even on 4 November itself, I wanted to extend it, even if it was for a few more hours for $200+.

It dawned on me that I was doing all I could to escape reality. To escape everything that's waiting for me in +65. I want to return to +66. Where everything was just that. 

I don't want it. I really don't. But I can't help how I feel.  

Don't ask me about it. Because that's precisely what I am doing, avoiding. &I really shudder to think of the day I have to face what I've been avoiding all these times.

........

Give me some time to sort out those thoughts; give me some time to gather the strength to continue walking away from anything and everything related to the affairs of the heart. 

Please stay till then?

LAST NIGHT I DREAMT;

that somebody loved me.

No hope, no harm,

just another false alarm.

........

Finally gathered my balls (imaginative ones) to quit tuition. I am finally free to pursue more self-indulgence. My physical body is a big mess right now; hair in perpetual disarray, my nails are proof that I am a sad excuse for a girl, complexion slightly better than usual because of my Bioderma, and I'm in shape (circle's a shape).

This weekend, gonna get my nails done and hair done. Just going to leave it all to Sham to "surprise me". M A K E O V E R  part deux. Thinking of going to DRx and getting a gym membership to force myself to keep fit. Can't wait for my braces appointment but first, BKK in a week's time. 

As of right now, can't wait to end work to meet my bbg :3 

Dreaming of Paper Town; till my next post x.

SWEET DISPOSITION;

never too soon.

Oh, reckless abandon;

like no one's watching you.

........

Hello hello! :) How has October been treating you thus far? The month has been kinder than I expected on me; thankful, so very thankful. iPhone updates as usual!

So 14th came on a Monday. I expected to feel like shit; and I did. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be :3

630pm, Minz texted me to ask where exactly is my office situated at. Came down and there she was, bouquet in one hand, Cookies for Sid in the other; "here's to creating new memories".

Can someone enlighten me what have I done in my previous life to be bestowed with such a sweet angel? :') 

Thank you Minz, thank you so much for always being there for me. :') 

Was supposed to go for tuition, but the traffic conditions on Monday was horrid and so tuition was cancelled.

Minz and I then chilled at KSL because I had a movie date after with both SHs, and Minz got sucked into watching Insidious 2 too. :D HAHA.

After movie, roadside smokes. Wanted to supper but plan failed. LOL.

Tuesday was a public holiday; so family day it was. Have been spending too much time outside, need to invest more time with my family too.

Lunch at Mei Ling Food Centre. Super good tze char at super affordable prices!!! And I think the Milk Powder Pork Ribs here beats Two Chefs' hands down!! :D 

After lunch, korkor and I brought Mommy and my auntie to Windowsill's Pies for some tea time snacking :D

I'd always wanted to try the pies there, so yayy for me!! :D

Had the S'mores Pie and the Banana Almond Brittle.

Korkor preferred the Banana Almond Brittle while I preferred the S'mores. The pie crust was superbbbbbbbb, reminiscent of that of a Portuguese Egg Tart's? Sooo good!! :D

Had the Eggplant Tower as well! The Marinara sauce was da bomb!! :D

Shortly after, Daddy joined us after work at Ichiban Boshi for dinner. 

Was. On. The. Verge. Of. Dying. Help. 

Too much food on Tuesday I felt pregnant mannnnn. Preggy with a food baby. But Boshi is always a good idea for food. 

OT-ed on Wednesday; my flowers still looking as pretty as ever :3

&my this bbg ah, can turn any bad day into a good day sia.

Thursdayyyyy, meeting le bros & Minz for dinner :D

Hasty lift shot of my OOTD for the day.

Sulking, because.. I forgot why. LOL. Have y'all gotten use to seeing me with bangs? :D 

After dinner smokes before heading over to Ann Siang to Mel's workplace for free stout~~ :D I can haz beer all day every day!! :D

:3:3

:D

And I actually really like the taste of this. Moar please? 

SO Jem and I had sort of a bet to see whose choice would garner more hits. Technically speaking, both edits (the picture is also taken by yours truly) are done by me BUT Jem liked the BW one while I thought the 3D one was nicer.

&bloody hell I lost HAHAHAHAHHAA. What dyou think? Which is better?

Friday; Mommy Quek's birthday!!!! :D 

L: Just woke up face.

R: Totally made up face.

&because it's my Mommy's Birthday, my family dressed up for the occasion. I even went to the extent of using falsies, which I haven't used for damn long ever since I bought the YSL mascara! 

OH OH TEE DEE.

Sunettes in tortoise shell c/o Carte Blanche X; Top c/o Dressablebella; Shorts c/o Feistheist; Blazer c/o Harlequin (now defunct but I do have some leftover stock, if you're interested email me x); Jeffrey Campbell Soiree; Balenciaga; YSL Arty.

HDB Hub to settle some housing issue and off to our Vegetarian Buffet!

My parents :') I love y'all so so so much. 

My mommy is a vegetarian/pescatarian due to religious reasons and she believes in keeping to a strict vegetarian diet on her birthday so whatever makes her happy! :D

After dinner, coffee at Starbucks and desperately trying to get back on reading The Book Thief. I have been stuck on that book for a really long time now. Must. Get. Back. On. Track. Downloaded another 28 books on Friday morning, can't wait to start on them so must finish The Book Thief!! 

My korkor is the best korkor ever. JC shoes are generally quite comfortable but unless you came into the world wearing heels, ALL HEELS TEND TO KILL YOUR FEET after an extended period of wearing. My feet were melting into my Soirees as usual and my korkor just told me, "wanna buy a pair of flats anots?" It felt a little silly to get a new pair of flats nearing the end of the day plus I have tons of shoes at home but korkor still got a pair for me anyways :')

Blessed.

;)

Saturday! Finally USS Halloween Horror with my ninjas! :D Bus ride with le BFF and on route, Armstrong came on. And then alighted few stops after with no knowledge of our presence despite the 2 of us waving like retards at him. LOL. 

Told BFF "selfie time" and she did that. AISH, people around me like to mock my signature pose AISH.

"eh take another one leh diu cut my face!"

Uploading this even though I look like pangsai because his face is captured in full -.- LOL 

My BFF :3

Third time going for this, first time going with ninjas :3 

Saw them posing for this and I yelled over FUCKING ACT SIA Y'ALL. LOLOLOLOL~~~~

 Okay la this looks pretty good though. But Magnebro, can tell you like ahm cheo ahm cheo. HAHAHAHAHA. 

My favourites :3 

Shu and her new BFF.

Blueberry Jello Shots and Turkey Leg WOOOOOOOOOOO!! I always have to get Turkey Leg and Churros when I'm at USS. MUST. 

Always prepared for the camera ah Brother Han. HAHAHAHAHA.

Love this shot. We weren't standing midst confetti, those glowing stuff you see are glow in the dark bubbles! :D And all them bros in this picture coincidentally wearing the same black tee beige berms combination :D

USS this year paled in comparison to the past years' IMO. The first year was the best; this year wasn't as scary I felt. PLUS Humans VS Cyclones rollercoaster is down, so I think that is a mood-dampener for many. Truth be told though, I had my ears covered for 2 of the walks, and the last walk GAN that DKBH kept trying to scare me KNNBCCB LAST WARNING AH. -.-

But fun night nonetheless because of the company :D

After USS, 2 went home; 1 went Zouk; the rest of us adjoined for some K time.

Like I said, beer all day err-day~

Brother Han werking it~ HAHAHAHHAHA!

Selfie time, because that's what I do best. Plus I'm weird like that, I go K but I detest the mic. I only sing without the mic. Selective mutisim. 

One does not simply sing K and not sing Jay Chou. 

#badluckJolene strikes again. 

The one night I turn down Zouk, Running Man cast was at Zouk. GAN! Texted D, and he sent me this the next morning; "Magnebro, I tried my best liao" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA! aishhhhhhhh~~~ My Mongji~~~

Sundayyy; t'was a cold day, so I finally wore my beanie out! 

Self shot OOTD while korkor was trying winter coats at Zara. My korkor is going to Japan next January! Bo jio sia.

Dinner after at Anchorpoint & Ikea for more dinner + desserts. I love the Daim Cake and the Princess Cake at Ikea :D Sooooo good!!

Family that eats together, stays together :3

Walked around Ikea after desserts. I love home furnishing; I absolutely adore just wandering through Ikea, picturing how I'd like my room to look like. But I can never find someone who likes wandering Ikea like me. Aish. I feel like doing a room revamp, turn it into a Tumblr bedroom. I should, right? :3

Fooling around with the kiddy rides after closing time at Anchorpoint. I'm surprised I can still fit into the ride with ease. :D

........

To live for the small things.

I can't give enough thanks for all the blessings I have in my life right now.

Shu Hui, Damian, Minzies, May, Sin Han, Irina, Fang Hui, Adam, Matthew, Benedict, my other Ninjas, and everyone else who has touched my life in one way or another.. 

To the friends who always have me in their heart;

To the friends who feel the pain I feel and are always there for me even though they are in pain themselves;

To the friends who clear their night just to spend it with me because they didn't want me to be alone (because I won't ever feel alone when I'm with them);

To the friends who see me, who really see me;

Thank you.

I am who I am today, because of every single one of you. You have left an imprint in me that has changed me, made me less bitter about Life. &I truly hope, that my existence in your respective lives have changed you, made you feel hopeful about what Life has to offer because good or bad, I will be here...

Always.