you're losing your mind again.
........
How was Christmas for you guys? Hope it was all fine and dandy :) It's weird, how much I love Christmas, and how Christmas this year felt the least like Christmas compared to the other years. Yet, I think I received the most presents this year. Then again, a lot of things this year felt a little less like themselves, so I'm not very surprised. Nothing really scares me anymore.
I'm afraid I have to skip on this week's update post; I accidentally deleted all the images from my iphone. So we have no visuals at all :/
I spent my Christmas morning lounging in bed with The xx on and scrolling through Tumblr. I then decided to start packing my room. There are two sections of my cupboard that's just stuffed with unnecessary objects that date all the way back to my childhood years. I've always been a hoarder. Let's say I receive something from someone special and the gift itself has been used or no longer with me anymore, I'd keep the gift wrapper. Just to remind myself of that gift. Which is silly, because when I look through all the random tags and gift wrappers, I could hardly remember anything.They were all, junk. Taking up space, while the new stuff I had acquired recently sat on my table, contributing to a mess.
It got me thinking, how the way I hoard stuff, resembles the way I hoard memories. Long after the person has gone. &when it comes to the point where there's just too much, and I end up with a cluttered mind.
Let. Go.
So yesterday, I end up tossing everything in those sections. 10 bags into the bin later, I realised I couldn't even remember what I threw in the first few bags. All these time, I held on to those stuff, hoping that I could hold on to what they meant to me but now I know it was silly move on my part. Nothing lasts forever. What matters, is right now. Appreciate now. Enjoy the moment right now. Because once it's gone, it's gone. You look back, smile about it and soon you'll forget about it. Which is a good, and a bad thing. But we just take it in our stride, that's the most we can do.
........
This Christmas, I decided to do something I thought I'd never do. I decided to let go of the bitterness and anger within me. I wouldn't take full credit for it though, if something didn't happen, I wouldn't be swayed. But it did, and I was.
I always felt this deep hatred in me. This sense of anger towards you. And I always thought I'd never feel any different with regards to it. When your birthday came, I asked myself if I should send my regards, but everyone around me said, "for what?" &so I thought to myself, "yeah what for?"
Then came my birthday. My friends were really sweet; it was a really small group of us, my closest friends from the different groups of friends in my life, but they all came together with no hesitation for me. 945pm, I whipped out my phone to take a picture of my second birthday dinner (all thanks to braces) of porridge and steamed egg, I spotted your name; "Happy birthday".
I stared at my screen for a good 5 minutes, unsure what to make out of it.
"This must be a mistake."
I always had this notion that it was a mutual thing, after all that has transpired between us, that we hated each other. But this... I don't understand.
M saw, and she went on to guilt trip me, "he's taking the mature path now uh, dyou feel guilty now that you didn't wish him?"
........
Putting aside everything that happened; your inaction, your escapism, my bursts of anger, my harsh words;
I'm sorry.
Not for what I did, because that's me, that's just how I react in accordance to how you react. But I am sorry for how we ended up like this. I don't even know how to describe what we are; detached familiar strangers.
I no longer long for you. I stopped wishing things didn't end between us. Because in some way or another, I am glad it did. If we didn't end, I'd still be too blinded by us to want anything more for myself.
I have everything I ever wanted right now. A job that I actually look forward to and it's what I've always wanted to do right from the start. I start investing more quality time with my friends. I am financially independent.
But there are still some times, that I wish I could share with you. Not as a lover/significant other, but as a friend. I know that you'd be happy for me (or at least the past you). And when I think of the friend I lost, it does hurt a little. Or maybe quite a bit.
Like my new job here at N. I applied for it a few weeks shy of my BKK trip. I saw the posting, applied for it with the mentality "why not? I've got nothing to lose anyways". Fast forward 2 weeks, I got the job.
Anyone close to me, would testify that I've always wanted to work in the publishing industry. I've tried countless of times to get in, but I always get rejected because I don't possess the prerequisites. Which explains why I tried for SQ. I gave up on my ultimate dream because I thought I'd never be able to accomplish it. So imagine that joy I felt when they told me, "welcome aboard". That feeling was, overwhelming. &it wasn't any other magazine, it was N. My all time favourite magazine, even before there was a Singapore edition.
This was something you have seen me try and get rejected twice. First with Catalog, &then with SPH. It's something like this, that I wish I could still tell you, "hey guess what! I got the job at N!"
But I couldn't.
........
What I did on Christmas eve, was just my way of putting it out there that I don't hate you anymore. I don't even know for sure if I ever hated you. But there. &hopefully one day, someday if we bump into each other, we would smile and remember those happy times.
Take care my friend, Merry Christmas :)
