All messed up. Sometimes, I really have absolutely no idea what I want. I have no idea what you want either. Everything just spiralling out of control. But I won't let it. I know I won't. After all I've been through, I'm not going to make the same mistakes twice. Its so hard to make you see. So damn hard.

I try to stay up, he's my wake up call

Either way I'm feeling, try to fake it up

losing control and I'm waiting for

The next time you hold me close and tell me I'm beautiful

Just let me go,

I can't let go

I know I'm outta my mind, cause I know that

(he ain't right)

LOL, seriously I would tell you 'You can totally do better than that' but I can't be bothered to. Your choice dude, but OMFG what an insult to my existance, sheesh. Its like, equivalent to the comparison of always eating wagyu(is that how you spell it?) beef and swtiching to like what, beef from China, yknow something alike but no quality control? LOL I know I'm mean, but hey, how long have you known me, 1 day? Welcome back to reality, open your pretty peepers, The world ain't fair. I'mma bitch, too fcking bad for you.

Anyways, went out with Fanghui today again. The whole Devlin team likka can die already. Everyone always not free, too sianz to go out. Where's the love yo?): GSS is awesome, bought 2 tops already and I'm sure there's more to come. Wanted to get my e63 today but WTF, have to wait 1 hour likka siao me&fang both wanna just drop dead): So effing tired.): Soooo tomorrow I'm going down to Bugis to get it!((: HOORAY FOR QWERTY KEYPAD PHONES!(: So GossipGirl ala Jenny Humphrey(:

Alrighty now, I'm damn shagged. Goodnight, I'm gonna sleep now.

OMFUG I CANT FCKING BELIEVE I LOST MY RINGGGGG!): MY RIBBON BOW RING OMGOMGOMGOMG! I KNOW I SOUND LIKKA BIMBO BUT ITS MY FAVOURITE RING OMGOMGOMG!))): IM SO DEPRESSED NOW OMG JUST KILL ME NOW I'LL NEVER EVER STEP OUT IN A FULL OUTFIT I'LL NEVER FIND A RING NICER THAN THAT FCK IT FUCKKKKKKK.

On a side note, I got a super duper awesome top from CottonOn today(: OMG so happy its was so nice & the price, FCKING STEAL MAN. Can't wait to wear it out.(: LQTM, seems like I have the case of fashion bipolar. HOHOHO! Meishan asked me to go Attica with her tomorrow.Some 5th Anniversary shit. Hmmm, IF BIGASS IF, my mummy allows but thats like a BIGFAT NO. ): -pouts. Teh Yushan are we supposed to Timbre tomorrow? Never confirm one sia you!

Okok, I'm sucha no-lifer. Sighhh. Needa. Club. Real. Badly. I don't want attachment to start!!):

Backity FINALLY(: So darn happy to be home!(: Yesterday was fun fun FUN! The most cost effective clubbing session EVER Thanks to someone whom shalt not be named cause I simply am told not to. HAHAA!(: We totally fully utilized the time and $$ cause we went to DBL O for drinks before going back to Phuture. Thank God the door bitch let me in HOHOHO!(: Though I can't believe I got fcking high on housepours during the cai quan or whatever game that was. Music at Phuture somehow only got better towards the end!((: But like not everyone enjoyed leh someone like totally just stone next to the walls one. TSK!\: Okok better see and try my luck for e learning now, 0_0 BYEEEEE!

/edit.

Eeeeyer, anyone free tomorrow??? I have nothing to do tomorrow, jio me out play l4d or watch movies lehh...): Text text me cause Imma sleep now): Goodnight world.

The previous story has long ended, and a new one has begun. But yet, its plagued with the exact same problems. I need to inject my heart with adamantium so that nothing can break it. Nothing.

Today, was... tiring. Mentally and physically. All those reading of articles totally exhausted my poor brain): Then training, where my shoulder totally cracked like a chicken wing when I chased for first ball. Likka sian please\:

Tomorrow will be better, at least it'll be fun!(: First, I'd better start churning out my project stuffz before SmellyMelly kill me HAHAHAHHA!

PS: I just realised I forgot to add in one more 'random'.

• Sometimes I'm so afraid of people hurting me that I won't look into your eyes when I talk to you. Cause I'm scared that my eyes will tell you everything about me. Absolutely everything.

Today was fun(: Almost the whole day spent with SiewShuHui my BFF(: Quality time yo! Window shopped, trimmed my fringe, ATE SHITLOADS, & martini-ed with her, Yushan, Jane & Cara! Rawr we need to save loads of money please SHUHUI!): -pouts. $$fallfromskyplease.

Tomorrow will be project then poolslot, Wednesday will be project & clubbing(: Yes, Fanghui I damn scared to tell you): I have to do project on Wednesday at National Library)): Please don't angry, yknow I'd go for training if I could!)): Sorry Fanghui, givesyoubigkiss(: HAHAHAHA!

OKOK I'm damn sleepy today I don't know why, byebye!

OMFG, I'm so incredibly bored at home.): Supposed to be out today with the brother for some zombie action but he just went out to get lunch & i speculate to meet his gf as well so yes I'm stuck at home. Fcking awesome yo. Ok its not that I'm bored in the 'there's-nothing-to-do' way because I have loads to do, like start watching the video that I need to watch to do some shit for elearning on monday tuesday wednesday thursday and also to start on those rubbish I need to start on for attachment which is going to commence in like 2 fcking weeks, but more in the sense of 'I'm-so-bored-but-I-don't-wanna-do-constructive-stuffs-like-aka-my-project-is-there-something-else-I-can-do' boredom. Yknow. Ok lemme catch my breath cause that line was quite a mouthful.

Ok.

So because yours truly is sucha lazy bumbum, I'm going to do something very constructive like telling you some uber random stuffs about me(:

• I'm a closet pink fan. Seriously. Cause somehow when I get stuff, I always get pink ones over the blues. Who likes blue anyways? Pink FTW yo.
• I wanna change my phone. Like I could really use an iPhone. Yknow, all those whatchamacallit gadgets. Awesome shitzz. Maybe a motorola V9 but Iheard moto is dying so):
• I really need to pack my room, its not very very messy I mean compare it to the usual teen's bedroom I'd say mine is like WHOA so fcking tidy and clean BUT NO I inherited my mummy's cleantidyfreaky genes and sad to say, I need to pack it! GOD! I swear I saw something move among all those bags!\:
• I really gotta stop clubbing. Cause clubbing always leaves a gaping hole in my pocket. Ok technically speaking, it doesn't help my depleting bank account. Cause unlike people who spend tons on drinks and stuff, most of my money is spent on clothes. Like what I wanna wear for the clubbing session. I know right? Like what a fcking bimbo, cause I don't believe in repeat attire but wtf this time I did not buy an entirely new outfit just for clubbing YAY 3CHEERS WOOO!(:
• I hate the taste of alcohol. Likka weird please cause everytime I club I'm sure to drink stuff like flaming lamboghinis and shots, but I only drink them cause I like to get high(: But uhuh, no druggies for me yo. Some kind souls please intro me something that gets me high fast, but doesn't taste like icky alcohol. Pfft.
• I have a love-hate affair with my hair. Sometimes I'm all, 'OMG I think my hair looks better than average people's' sometimes I'm all, "FCK IT! THIS HAIR IS DRIVING ME FCKING NUTS." Period.
• I'm a closet geek too. I mean, StarTrek, Transformers, Wolverine, Terminator. Ohmygahh! -insertsbespectacledemoticon.
• I used to loveeee reading up till I was out of secondary life. Like novels kinda stuffs. DanBrown's, SandraBrown's, SidneySheldon's, MichealAsher's, etc. Good shit. Actually I still like reading but I usually can't be bothered to read stuff other than the IT Girl series or The A List series. Like wth.
• When I fall in love, I fall hopelessly and fcking deeply. Head over heels, heels over head. Which is really horrible, cause most of the time, I get stuck. & Idk why I just told you that. WTH.

OK Thats all for now. Bye.

Hello! Just got back from Matthew's surprise 21st BBQ Party(: HAHAHA. It was quite fun but I think what made it quite enjoyable would be finally seeing Matthew after like so long, cause everytime only talk to him on MSN. So yeah,(: I got a LITTLE high after drinking this cup of Vodka appletea, I put too much vodka inside but fun luh, fun to be high(: So this Wednesday is going to be awesome, not high won't dance yo![:




Matthew Hong Cho Ping, I know you read my blog likka once in a blue moon but yes, when you read this, Here I am wishing you a very spectacular smashing AWESOME LEGEN...wait for it.. DARY 21ST BIRTHDAY(: Last long with Nic yeah((:


OKOK BYEBYE, I'm off to do something constructive like eh, upload photos HAHAA!
Oh yes, SHUHUI if you see this please call me asap to discuss Monday's activity HAHA!(:

Anyways babies,on a happier note, Jane&Yushan are organising a drinking session at 3 in the afternoon on the 25th!(: At Emerald No.5 Bar(: Whoever wanna go, text text text me(:

Looks aren't everything. When time passes and age catches up with you, all you are left with is just a bag of bones and wrinkly skin, so suck on that pretty people. Fck you people. Just fck it. I'm always a bar below others.

):

Just how many mistakes must I make before I realise I'm in too deep?

Fck.

I AM BACK FROM TOWN(: Wheee! OMG StarTrek was awesome!! Spock is so.. hmm hute? Cute+Hot HAHAHAHA! Idk, he got the charisma and so intellectual(: Im sucha geek, sheesh. L4D afterwards with Fanghui HAHAHA somebody became zai-er hurhur!(: The guy at the counter kept trying to psycho me into joining some L4D competition, tsk not zai enough join what shit competition luh tmd. Okok, need to head out for dinner soon, will be back to post some quotes later tonight! Tomorrow me no school! Anyone free?): -pouts. Ok brb! Bye for now!(:

/edit.

Ok back again. Hehheh. & I forgot what I wanted to blog about. Hmm. Oh yes,I must say that I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU MELISA NEO!(: So damn happy(: Everything seems to be picking up for us aye? No more sadsad days(: Yayy! Anyways me is so eggcited about this coming Wednesday! Likka so many people coming, my classmates are coming!... I think HAHAHA! Omg one group of early childhood 'teachers' clubbing likka cool please!{: Those who don't club, can come chill with us first before catching the last bus back home(: Rawrr, can't wait yo! I need to dance!):

Ooh so tired, and my butt still aching since I got out of the boat just now. First time use boat9 until like that. Likka chui. ): Haiya training today was... hmm. Much to think about. BUT its not going to drag me down like that hehheh.(: ME IS IN A RATHER FANTASTIC MOOD. Next week e-learning, hohoho no school so got time to ____(: HAHAHAHAAA! Eggciting(: && I got posted to RafflesHouse Preschool! Good environment to find a rich and cute angmoh HOHOHO! Now I can't wait for attachment!{: So crossing my fingers to not get the mentor from Hell. \: Alrighty, I'm off for now! Can't believe I'm not _______ tmr likka zomg. -pouts.

I know, I'm not supposed to post sad entries anymore but sometimes I just need to vent all those anger and disappointment. WTF is wrong with me? Everything in my life seems so screwed. Firstly, I liked someone so much that I was so upset over it for so fcking long I cried because it felt so right yet we were both afraid to do something. After which i kept asking myself, "what if..." Then came along he, who I seriously thought was The One. But he just turn out to be yet another one. We had helluva fun but it ended so no hard feelings so whatever HAHA we're friends right?(: Then now, everything is just confusing. Everything is just screwed, fcked up. I can't mention it here luh but those who know what I'm talking about I will fill you in about it once we talk.): Oh mans.

Ok back to CIRPE.

Done with CFOC2009 camp! Kinda sorta disappointing): Idk why. Now am doing CIRPE assignment at the poolside on Sunday morning! OMG how sad!): Okok shall blog again soon(: Tata!

Yesterday was fun shit too(: Butter Factory with Lijun&Co then back to Phuture with Jane Belle SHUHUI & Benson&Co((: Although abit the scary that so many fights and tussles happened on the dancefloor, it was fun(: Didn't get sleep at all after Phuture cause we stayed all the way till the club closed. Prata-ed opposite then off the West Coast area to L4D with SHUHUI & Benson(: Likka fun only! Then breakfastnearby with the uber big eggs and it was off to her house to shower then to school after 25minutes of shuteye. I'm so tired now and sleepy and I think I'm sick AGAIN. Nose keeps running like how irritating. TSK. Likka sian. CFOC or no CFOC?):

Today no random happy pictures! Today is IDK, Jolene's random happyday(: Had a good dream two nights ago(eh eh Melisa&Macy) and and I'm watching the live telecast of Michelle&Shawn's marriage! Like major AWWW(:

Me & pretty Macy during project work one week ago(:

Side swept or bangs?(:

OMG SO LONG NV TIE BUN! Now my bun so tiny): -pouts

OMFG MY HAIR SO LONG! YAYS!! So proud of myself!(:

HAHAHA! Quadruple dosage of Quek(:

&& ME AND MY THINKING CAP DURING CLASS! WHEEEE!

OKOK back to assignments&& the tube TOODLESS![:

From now on, no more sadness. No more disappointments. No more angst. No more negative feelings.

From now on, I want to be happy.



& so I shall be!(:


I am not superwoman, its going to be tough, but I'm going to do this for myself. No more wasting tears and braincells for someone who is not worthy of it. Daddy my e63!(:

Please take care.

Goodbye.

you are my beautiful mistake.

Even though I know I feel like such a failure now, such a loser, such a lousy person, the world keeps spinning, keeps moving forward, and if I still keep looking back, nothing good is going to come out of it. Even though these days I've went back to crying myself to sleep, I'm alright.

ShuHui! Can't wait to meet you now!{:

I feel so not hyped up at all. \: I feel my life is becoming routined, &boring. FML. I need excitement. I need something extraordinary. I need a table full of my favourite food and cravings. Think bubbletea. Shit. I'm uber thirsty now. Roar.

Anyways, I was looking through the pictures in my external harddisk. Some were happy moments, some were... happy moments. (: Lol. Maybe I'm just missing the moments, &notyou. Maybe I'm just missing the happy me. Its been so long since the last time I truly smiled, & laugh. I miss laughing. I'm always the one making people laugh. Its so tiring ok.

I need a laugh, I need to smile, I need a hug. Those tight tight ones that make you feel like everything is gonna pop out from your body kind of hugs. I need a comb through my hair, telling me tomorrow's gonna be fine, tomorrow I'm gonna be happy.

I tried alcohol. But it only provided a temporary solution. & later it only aggravates the whole situation. It only magnify the problem. Somehow my life seems to be on a sushi conveyor belt now, everything seems fine for awhile before it comes back around again.

But I'm tired of alcohol already. Constantly lying to be out, only to find myself in a shithole again the nextday. Super sianz. I got to stop being so emo. I'm probably losing viewership.

Must.Be.Happy.Must.Post.Happy.Pictures.

OKOK, got to go sleep. Tomorrow lecture at 9. Like wtf. ok goodnight.

I watched the walls around me crumble,

But its not like I won't build them up again.

So here's your last chance for redemption,

So take it while it lasts cause it will end.

My tears are turning into time,

I've wasted trying to find,

a reason for goodbye.

Honestly tell me that its over.

...So why are we still doing the complete opposite?

I'm so tired today. Don't know why. My eyes feel all droopy and sorts. I need a holiday already, all the assignments are enough to make my brain explode BUT I have faith in myself and my groupmates that WE CAN DO THIS! I wanna live like I'm gonna die tomorrow. Cause the world is so scary it feels like its gonna end tomorrow anyways. Maybe I'll get swine flu tomorrow LOL! Ok kidding.

Sick and tired of the same emotions, the same words, the same blank state of mind. I want out. I really do. But why can't my heart do as its told?\:

Boyfriend.

Soulmate.

Best friend.

I lost all of them on one day.
Sure sucks to be me.
FML.

I hate sobering up. I hate thinking. I seriously hate the after effects of clubbing. That clarity. That revelation. So fcking shitty. My head is spinning and it hurts so bad.

What am I? Who have I become? What is happening to me? What am I doing? What do I want?

I don't know.

Everything is just all mixed up, mashed up, messed up in my head. Fck it. What am I supposed to do now?

I feel so mothafcking empty.

Regrets. Why do I keep making them? Why? Fcking why?

Why do I have to have pride? What is pride? Why didn't I do something just because I'm scared of what will happen after that, how it would affect my pride! Fck pride!

Jolene Quek Wei Wei, you are a pathetic materialistic fcking ugly piece of shit loser.

You should go to rehab.