#nowwatching; The Joy Luck Club

watch from 04:37 onwards.

........

At first, it was just a bunch of little things, loving things a wife would do behind the scenes without him even knowing. You know, like paying the household bills, buying him special gifts that showed my love. The beautiful part was, he never had to ask for any of this. In fact, he never even knew. I told myself that was the selfless way, the loving way instead of the chicken shit way. And, over time, I could see that Ted was becoming bored. We said less and less. So I tried harder.

........

“What you going to do with leftovers after he eats one slice?” 

Throw it away, I guess.

“You ask yourself why you make this? Because I know, even if you don't.”

I like being tragic, Ma. I learned it from you.

“You think he sees this pie; now he's so sorry he take you for granted. You think this, you the foolish one. Every time you give him gift, like begging. ‘Take this. Oh, sorry. Please forgive me. I'm not worth as much as you.’ So he only take you more for granted. Never know what you're worth. Until too late. I was raised the Chinese way. I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people's misery, and to eat my own bitterness. But, no, this cannot be. This, this not knowing what you're worth. This not begin with you.”

........

You're not taking any part of me. 'Cause you don't know who I am. It's not your fault, none of it. I was the one who told you that my love wasn't good enough; that your love was worth more than mine. I was so full of shit. 

........

I love this movie so much, I first watched it during Literature class and I guess I never really understood till I caught it unintentionally on HBO last Saturday.

The whole situation; the whole persona that Rose portrayed, hit too close to home. I behaved exactly like Rose, putting someone's happiness above mine, and think that counted as love. And that is not the way. I lost myself during the whole process, now I need to find myself back.