hahaha, I'm just kidding. Everytime I think of that question, that song never fails to come up in my head. But yeah, this is going to be another serious post/ midweek musing.
........
What is Love?
That's the online dictionary's definition of Love. A quick google would show you tons of other definitions coined by different individuals and cultures throughout the ages.
So/but what is Love?
What prompted me to go on this sudden search for an answer was when I was looking through my blog statistics and it led me to a few posts from a year ago. I looked at those entries, stared long and hard at those pictures, and I felt nothing. The only question I had was, "who is this stranger and what is he doing on my blog?"
It is altogether way too coincidental because I just watched one of Zoella's Youtube video (which I will link at the end of this paragraph) and something that she said just sort of steered me in this direction too; what is Love?
Just watch both videos. So the statement that hit me the most was when Alfie asked Zoella, "Have you been in love?" And Zoella replied;
"Well, I've probably been in love before, because I've had 3 serious relationships. But I think it's difficult to tell because when you're with somebody, you think you're in love and when you break up you're like, mmm I got over that quicker than I thought I would. So maybe I wasn't in love."
So now I start questioning myself, just what was I doing the past few years? Was I in love? Have I ever been in love? Or did I just think I was? Let's not look too far back, let's just rewind to a month back. I was miserable and depressed because I thought I had lost the love of my life. Fast forward to today, I think back and I really felt like I was on some sort of drug for the past few years. It felt like I was having a good trip for 2 and a half years, and a f*cking bad trip that made me really want to end my life/feel like I was dying, and right now when the drug has thoroughly worn off; I feel like just one big fat blank. I can't remember what happened, and I can't feel anything that I felt as I read through my previous entries. Which wasn't the case when I read through them one month ago.
"Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused." Paulo Coelho, The Zahir.
Is that why I am feeling lost and confused? I really am not sure if this particular habit of mine is a good one. This habit of always needing to get to the bottom of things, always needing to understand every single aspect of things.
Since I am on this topic, I think it's relevant to bring in what I was writing about in Paul last week. Doesn't it fascinate you just how things could change in such a short span of time? One moment I was jaded and cynical and suicidal; but I am all fine and dandy the next. If you had told me a month ago, "everything will be fine in a month's time" I would have looked at you in disbelief and muttered, "you don't understand, this is different. This is too hard to walk away from." But look where I am now.
I chanced upon this on @chevonnecheng's Ask.fm and I couldn't have put it across as well as she did.
"If you keep asking if you've had enough, then you probably haven't. Maybe inside you know that there's still some good to stay for. 'Cause if you've been THAT hurt, you'll automatically go numb or walk away."
That's the part that I couldn't agree more on.
I am trying my best to stay away from blogging too much about relationships, because I feel like I have come to the end of my grieving period, and I've said what I need to say and there is really nothing much left to say. But then I realised that there are some people out there who are in a bit of a fix themselves in their own relationships, and reading what I've blogged has sort of helped them to realise that they are not alone.
A friend recently asked me/commented, "Wow I really don't know how you do it. I am a guy, and I'm already struggling. Furthermore you're a girl."
And I told him, "I am not going to lie. It was really f*cking shit. I cried everywhere, from my office, on public transports, anywhere. I was all over the place. I stopped eating, I relied way too much on nicotine. It was really bad. And I don't know how to tell you this but you will just reach the point where you realise enough is enough."
Tumblr-ed that last week after Color Run 2013 and yeap, I am not proud of it but I did the opposite of emotional binge-ing. I did not do it on purpose of course. But more of, you just can't bring yourself to eat even if you're so f*cking hungry. And eventually your body sort of gets used to not eating. For that month or two, my body went haywire. I survived on random snacks like one small bun for a whole day and cigarettes. My heart started beating really really fast even though I was just doing nothing like lying on my bed, or sitting at my desk. My hands were shaking on a regular basis. It was crazy. My friends got worried, I think my folks and brother were a little thrown off as well because I am usually a big eater and to hear me say stuff like, "I am not hungry" was very unusual. Thankfully, I came to my senses fast enough. I am not as big an eater as last time, but I am eating regularly again.
What I am trying to say is, everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. I dealt with it by unintentionally punishing my own mind (this is inevitable) and my own body (this is highly not recommended). There are some who look for emotional substitutes to take the place of the previous. There are those who look for physical relationships to deal with loss. But I would say don't rob yourself of the chance to grow. Let yourself heal by experiencing the hurt and the pain of loss, because that's the only way you come out of it stronger than you were.
To my friends who are going through loss, hang in there. I will not throw in easy strings of words like "get over it, you're worth so much more. Why can't you let go? You are stronger than this. Everything will be better" simply because I know that's not what you need to hear right now.
What I will tell you though, is exactly how toxic the relationship is, only you can see it. Whether or not it's worth salvaging, only you can see it too. Despite people telling you to walk away now, if you don't want to, then don't. But I will tell you that hanging on will be heartbreaking. You will feel pain like nothing you've ever experienced. Until one day something will happen to push you to realise whether or not your efforts have paid off, or it's time you let go. And I assure you if it's time to let go, you will walk away knowing that you've given nothing less than all you had.
........
I can happily tell you right now that I accomplished what I set out to accomplish here.
I gave myself a year, but within 2 months I am able to strike off most importantly the last point. (: I am at a state where I wake up every morning, excited with what Life will throw in my way. I am no longer haunted by the idea of death and loss. I no longer feel as though I am worthless; on the contrary, I have never felt better about myself :D
The only thing I am searching for now, is myself. And until then, everything else is secondary (:
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