CRUSH A BIT, LITTLE BIT.

I've got this urge to do something really YOLO today. Perhaps finally getting my septum or my smiley pierced. 

I had a rather peculiar experience yesterday. I am trying to think of an analogy to describe it.. 

Let's just say, I thought really fondly of a very unlikely person. 

It left me flabbergasted. I still am. So now I am very confused. 

Back to being YOLO, I am once again toying with the idea of going Blonde. I wanna do something really extreme; like its either black or blonde. Or do a Miley and emerge a Blonde pixie. My thoughts are jumping all over the place again. So I'm gonna stop here.

It's finally Friday! Hope it'll be a good once for y'all! Follow me on IG {@jolenequek_} for bite-sized updates! :D

WHAT IS LOVE;

hahaha, I'm just kidding. Everytime I think of that question, that song never fails to come up in my head. But yeah, this is going to be another serious post/ midweek musing.

........

What is Love?

That's the online dictionary's definition of Love. A quick google would show you tons of other definitions coined by different individuals and cultures throughout the ages. 

So/but what is Love? 

What prompted me to go on this sudden search for an answer was when I was looking through my blog statistics and it led me to a few posts from a year ago. I looked at those entries, stared long and hard at those pictures, and I felt nothing. The only question I had was, "who is this stranger and what is he doing on my blog?"

It is altogether way too coincidental because I just watched one of Zoella's Youtube video (which I will link at the end of this paragraph) and something that she said just sort of steered me in this direction too; what is Love?

Just watch both videos. So the statement that hit me the most was when Alfie asked Zoella, "Have you been in love?" And Zoella replied;

"Well, I've probably been in love before, because I've had 3 serious relationships. But I think it's difficult to tell because when you're with somebody, you think you're in love and when you break up you're like, mmm I got over that quicker than I thought I would. So maybe I wasn't in love."

So now I start questioning myself, just what was I doing the past few years? Was I in love? Have I ever been in love? Or did I just think I was? Let's not look too far back, let's just rewind to a month back. I was miserable and depressed because I thought I had lost the love of my life. Fast forward to today, I think back and I really felt like I was on some sort of drug for the past few years. It felt like I was having a good trip for 2 and a half years, and a f*cking bad trip that made me really want to end my life/feel like I was dying, and right now when the drug has thoroughly worn off; I feel like just one big fat blank. I can't remember what happened, and I can't feel anything that I felt as I read through my previous entries. Which wasn't the case when I read through them one month ago.

"Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused." Paulo Coelho, The Zahir.

Is that why I am feeling lost and confused? I really am not sure if this particular habit of mine is a good one. This habit of always needing to get to the bottom of things, always needing to understand every single aspect of things. 

Since I am on this topic, I think it's relevant to bring in what I was writing about in Paul last week. Doesn't it fascinate you just how things could change in such a short span of time? One moment I was jaded and cynical and suicidal; but I am all fine and dandy the next. If you had told me a month ago, "everything will be fine in a month's time" I would have looked at you in disbelief and muttered, "you don't understand, this is different. This is too hard to walk away from." But look where I am now. 

I chanced upon this on @chevonnecheng's Ask.fm and I couldn't have put it across as well as she did.

"If you keep asking if you've had enough, then you probably haven't. Maybe inside you know that there's still some good to stay for. 'Cause if you've been THAT hurt, you'll automatically go numb or walk away."

That's the part that I couldn't agree more on.

I am trying my best to stay away from blogging too much about relationships, because I feel like I have come to the end of my grieving period, and I've said what I need to say and there is really nothing much left to say. But then I realised that there are some people out there who are in a bit of a fix themselves in their own relationships, and reading what I've blogged has sort of helped them to realise that they are not alone. 

A friend recently asked me/commented, "Wow I really don't know how you do it. I am a guy, and I'm already struggling. Furthermore you're a girl."

And I told him, "I am not going to lie. It was really f*cking shit. I cried everywhere, from my office, on public transports, anywhere. I was all over the place. I stopped eating, I relied way too much on nicotine. It was really bad. And I don't know how to tell you this but you will just reach the point where you realise enough is enough."

Tumblr-ed that last week after Color Run 2013 and yeap, I am not proud of it but I did the opposite of emotional binge-ing. I did not do it on purpose of course. But more of, you just can't bring yourself to eat even if you're so f*cking hungry. And eventually your body sort of gets used to not eating. For that month or two, my body went haywire. I survived on random snacks like one small bun for a whole day and cigarettes. My heart started beating really really fast even though I was just doing nothing like lying on my bed, or sitting at my desk. My hands were shaking on a regular basis. It was crazy. My friends got worried, I think my folks and brother were a little thrown off as well because I am usually a big eater and to hear me say stuff like, "I am not hungry" was very unusual. Thankfully, I came to my senses fast enough. I am not as big an eater as last time, but I am eating regularly again. 

What I am trying to say is, everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. I dealt with it by unintentionally punishing my own mind (this is inevitable) and my own body (this is highly not recommended). There are some who look for emotional substitutes to take the place of the previous. There are those who look for physical relationships to deal with loss. But I would say don't rob yourself of the chance to grow. Let yourself heal by experiencing the hurt and the pain of loss, because that's the only way you come out of it stronger than you were.

To my friends who are going through loss, hang in there. I will not throw in easy strings of words like "get over it, you're worth so much more. Why can't you let go? You are stronger than this. Everything will be better" simply because I know that's not what you need to hear right now. 

What I will tell you though, is exactly how toxic the relationship is, only you can see it. Whether or not it's worth salvaging, only you can see it too. Despite people telling you to walk away now, if you don't want to, then don't. But I will tell you that hanging on will be heartbreaking. You will feel pain like nothing you've ever experienced. Until one day something will happen to push you to realise whether or not your efforts have paid off, or it's time you let go. And I assure you if it's time to let go, you will walk away knowing that you've given nothing less than all you had. 

........

I can happily tell you right now that I accomplished what I set out to accomplish here. 

I gave myself a year, but within 2 months I am able to strike off most importantly the last point. (: I am at a state where I wake up every morning, excited with what Life will throw in my way. I am no longer haunted by the idea of death and loss. I no longer feel as though I am worthless; on the contrary, I have never felt better about myself :D 

The only thing I am searching for now, is myself. And until then, everything else is secondary (:

I'M COMING OUT OF MY CAGE AND I'VE BEEN DOING JUST FINE;

Wassup wassup! How was your past weekend! :D Mine was quite meh for the start but ended off pretty well! I don't have any self reflection to share either LOL! 

As mentioned last week, my Mondays and Tuesdays generally really boring so I'll tend to either glaze over it or skip talking about it altogether. The only thing I can share about Monday is this funny conversation I had with FH. It started off with me tweeting about my eyecandy, gushing over how cute he is and FH was like STAPH IT PLEASE STAPH IT! AHHAHAHAHA, but I was telling her I'm just gonna let it be; going with the flow~~

And because my eyecandy stays around my area, I THINK, look at the conversation below HAHAHAHHAHAHA SHIT REALLY DAMN FUNNY. She was saying how convenient it would be next time (should anytime were to transpire) that we can cab home together (after partying or whatsoever) and I went:

1. SAVE MONEY GO BACK TO HIS PLACE
2. SAVE WATER BATHE TOGETHER

ROFLMAO KIDDDDDDINGGGGGG, I not so dirty laaaa just say say only HAHAHAHAHHAA!

Nothing about my life/me to share about Tuesday except another chiobu I've recently discovered on IG! MEGA CHIO OMG!! REALLY IS HOT STUFF.

And this Chocolate Origins cake my uncle bought that's MEGA DOPE! I am not an ardent fan of cocoa, unlike the typical girl. But this cake is SO SO GOOD!! It's not too sweet and not too thick that the chocolate taste would border on overwhelming. It's justttt perfect.

 AND THIS. Don't do it at a bookstore la, why not try picking girls up at Topshop???

Oh yeah, how could I forget! I went running after tuition with my brother and his friend on Tuesday AND I SO NEARLY DIED. Cray cray brother went to run through Dairy Farm estate. That bloody estate has like ONE THOUSAND GABAJILLION SLOPES. ARGH &($$$#^(*&*(*i)$#e

Wednesday's #OOTD; Top c/o BKK, maxi skirt c/o Topshop, Sperry.

My very standard #MOTD; concealer, blusher, mascara.

I was reading through my private twitter, and saw these. There's more actually but nahhh lazy to crop and besides, IT'S PRIVATE ANYWAYS. But I guess it just kind of struck me that maybe I am to a certain extent, commitment-phobic, just that my moral compass is working way too well and I can't walk out of a relationship, no matter how unhappy I am/toxic the relationship is because that's not right? I am still figuring out who I am anyways sooo...

My Daddy and me :D That day I walked from Suntec City to River Valley Road to converge with Daddy and wait for Mommy to end her volunteer work. 

Spot my Mommy! :D So proud of her though, she went from being one of the many volunteers, to being part of the committee. :D

OH AND DYOU KNOW PLANTS VS ZOMBIES 2 IS OUT??? My absolute favourite game on iPhone. Prior to the release of this game, I could replay Plants VS Zombies 1 anytime anyday!! Love it so much because it's not only fun, but it requires a lot of brain power to play okay!! I am trying to get my folks to play it too so that they can keep "exercising" their brains and not have dementia or something.

Thursday, went on MC because I was having a bloody bad tummyache. :( 

Went out for lunch with my folks; #OOTD for that day, Top and shorts c/o Topshop, army green parka c/o Styledasher and Sperry.

#MOTD; since I was in town (to see the doctor LOL) so eyeline on as welllll.

FRIDAY. BLOODY HELL MUST LET ME RAGE A BIT. HOW THE F CAN I NOT KNOW ANBERLIN IS COMING TO SINGAPORE?! AND NOT ONLY ME OKAY, ALL MY FRIENDS WHO ARE FANS OF ANBERLIN ALSO DON'T KNOW LEH WADAFUQ. AND THEY'RE COMING ON 29 AUGUST WITH RED JUMPSUIT. WADAFUQ. HOW TO FIND PEOPLE TO GO WIMME IN SUCH SHORT NOTICE!! Damn sad, seems like I have to give it a miss again. AISH.

Friday was dinner at home with my Mommy, some mother-daughter time :D Bought Blackball home to share with her, hehe it's nice to go home and have a nice quiet dinner with your loved ones. Doesn't have to be a hectic Friday night every week, yes? 

Saturday!! The day I've been waiting the whole week for! Initially the plan was to party on Friday, but I didn't want to because Friday after work chiong party, tiring sia. Plus I wanted to go on the day that Lincey is spinning and he replied my tweet with a "(: see you on saturday!" so Saturday it was!

My nails were starting to chip already and I wanted a change of colour pronto so I went to remove my Gelish manicure ON MY OWN. Had the time of my life (not!) slowly buffing my nails and soaking off. Pffft. However, even though it's a bitch to remove (on your own)/expensive to remove (at the salon), I always choose to do Gelish because it helps my nails to grow longer. If I hadn't done Gelish for the past 2 months, my nails would be short stubby and disgusting.

As mentioned on my Twitter, Nivea recently sponsored me their new facial foam! I've been using it ever since and I'm excited to share with y'all what I think about it!! :D 

After 2 days of usage. TOTALLY BARE FACE. I know my dark circles are damn bloody last warning, but in all honesty, it has improved quite a bit already leh!! Last time it used to be BLACK CIRCLES. Really horrid but now it has lightened up a teeny weeny bit :D

Give me 30 minutes and KABOOM! Make up is AHMAYZINGGGGGG! (PS ignore my towel turban)

Was deciding what to wear; I only know what shoes I wanted to wear; which were my Litas because they've been grossly neglected. And after I decided what to wear, I asked my brother if I could wear my Supreme out and he said it made my ensemble looked too over WEHHHHHHHHHHHH I REALLY WANTED TO PARTY WITH MY SUPREME LEHHH fuck it next time I'm just gonna do it! :/

Headed to town to meet up with the Magnebro and FH before going to Zouk together; I have no idea why he started typing in Mandarin to me. LOLOLOL. Eh but for my own benefit, my Mandarin is not as bad as it sounds okayyyyy. I can type, read, write, recognise Chinese characters way better than the average Singaporean my age; it's just my speaking capabilities that requires much improvement lol. 

RIVERSIDE MOFOs. It's been pretty long since we went to the Riverside for drinks. But I am never a huge fan of hard liquor, so I passed having drinks outside and settled for Asahi and Anchor. YES I WAS HAVING BEER WHILE THE REST WERE TRYNA GET WASTED. LOLOL (but this plan backfired because.. scroll down to see why)

MAGNEBROOOOOOO! :D

My lovely lovely Ninjas :D /heartshape (PLUS JEM) 

Chiobu J. :D

Two of the best bros anyone could ever ask for, Armstrong and E! And of course chiobu J! HHHAHAHAHA!

The LAH-JI partners since 2009.

The Old Sports (when's Minz!!)

AND I FINALLY REMEMBERED TO TAKE PICTURE OF MY CAGE BRA, VERY KINDLY GIFTED BY JORDUS! :D GO SHOP AT HIS ONLINE WEBSTORE K!! Their apparels always damn nice and damn fast sold out ones!

But ahhh, fml just realised I remembered to take the back of my outfit, but no OOTD. Wowwww, /claps. 

So this is why the plan backfired. ARMSTRONG INSISTED THAT FH AND ME WERE TOO SOBER FOR OUR OWN GOOD AND ORDERED BLOODY FLAMING GRAVEYARD FOR US. WADAFUQ BRO. Thankfully we managed to bargain until we only had to share one, which in the end I had 2 mouthfuls of and really ARGH IT'S DAMN GROSS SO I REFUSED TO DRINK IT. All I had were 2 mouthfuls and I had the puke feeling already YUCK YUCK. 

Finally went in at 3am OMG HAHAHHAA SO LATE AISH. Went to all 3 rooms in Zouk but couldn't find Lincey DAMN SAD, so we settled at Phuture. The music was on-off good; but it was still an epic night nonetheless due to the epic company :D

Left Zouk at 4ish and headed for supper at KKM before going home. That night I think I truly warrior sia. Reached home at 6 and still feeling mighty awake I could slowly remove make up and Clarisonic my face somemore. All thanks to my 3 cups of solid black coffee. 

Woke up at 10ish on Sunday, with just 4 hours of sleep. The sun was bloody glaring I went to use the eye mask gifted by Hada Labo (together with the Perfect Gel) and went back to nap after a mini lunch and a mini Cable session with Foodnetwork Asia. When I remove the eyemask at 4ish pm I was like WADAFUQ IS WRONG WIT THE SUN!?!??!!? 

Ohweells since the sun was being a crazy bitch on crack, I woke up and got ready to head out for dinner with my family :D Totally bare face again ahahahahhahaha aish I want my dark circles to be goneeeeeee T.T

Went to Cine for Nihon Mura because my folks wanted to have sushi! :D And this is my current obsession. POKKA MELON MILK. I HAD 2 CANS OF THIS YESTERDAY OMG FAT DIE ME T.T

My fave at Nihon Mura, even though I feel it's a little pricy that it's $1.50 for one serving. 

And the total damage at the end of our meal. All 4 of us walked out bending forward because we were STUFFED. Too full already!!

Hello Mommyyyyy! :D

Went home after dinner and changed my nail colour again! :D This colour is from the brand, Color Club. I have no idea what's the name of the colour though but it's so pretty in real life! :D:D:D

Chio right, the colour!! :D

WOKIE DOKEY! I've come to the end of the rather mehhhhh week recap. It's Monday again but HANG IN THEREEEE the weekends will come soon enough!! :D

Kisskiss stay safe x!