I JUST RIDE;

Sometimes I just want to tell myself, STFU. Nobody cares. Even if they do, what can they do? Nothing. Because it's all in your head. You got to stop all these thoughts. You've got to stop all these. You got to get your shit together. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm really trying. 

I'm exhausted. 

"But I used to be quite resilient. Gained no strength from counting the beads on a rosary. Now the wound has begun to turn. Another lesson that has gone unlearned. But this is not a cry for pity, or for sympathy."

&the world spins madly on;

Was on Spotify as usual this morning, looking for new songs to listen to while I work. 

Spotted this. And got sucked into a whirlwind of nostalgia again. Isn't it just amazing what music does to our memories? You think you forgot a certain something, but a specific string of melody is able to jolt our minds, and suddenly everything comes back to you.

Woke up and wished that I was dead

With an aching in my head

I lay motionless in bed.

I thought of you

And where you'd gone

And let the world spins madly on.

Everything that I said I'd do

Like make the world brand new

And take the time for you

I just got lost and slept right through the dawn

And the world spins madly on.

I let the day go by

I always say goodbye

I watch the stars from my window sill

The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

I thought of you

and where you'd gone

and the world spins madly on.

Hello, positive happy Jolene, please come back. Please find yourself and come back soon.

play HARD, drink WELL.

Couldn't share this on my Facebook, have no idea why not. Perhaps Facebook couldn't tank the awesomeness of Hardwell. I've been raping the replay button on this video since last night! I really cannot wait for 20 September to come. I think I'll burst into spontaneous happy tears and bounce off the walls (if there's any at Fort Canning) on 20 September :}

If you haven't already gotten your tickets, I have no idea why you're hesitating; THIS IS NOT TO BE MISSED!!! 

NEVER SAY GOODBYE;

OH. EM. GEE? I am actually blogging AT HOME. With my iMac like finally!! Anyhoo, finally a week with some updates woooo! :D Let's start with Monday. Feeling so happy with my new Sperry, I had to wear it on Monday even though by right, I think it's a casual Friday kind of shoes? BUT FCK IT. I HAPPY CAN ALREADY LOL.

DAZ RIGHT I'm a rebel like that, Sperry on a Monday B) Nothing much after work, just went to meet my folks for dinner, so filial hor thanks. 

#FOTD for Tuesday, some highlighter under my waterline and mascara and I'm good to go!

#OOTD; Top c/o Topshop, Skirt c/o JJ Market (BKK), Sperry (AGAIN!!) 

#FOTD for Wednesday; Same as the day before, except I lightly lined my eyes with some brown eyeliner I got from Watsons eons ago.

Dinner with my favourite cabin crew :D Catching up, listening to her horrid experiences with her passengers, damn scary :/ But ohwells, all jobs have their pros and cons!

Chilling and chatting over some Ah Chew's dessert! I love the Papaya White Fungus dessert!! Super good, super nourishing and SUPER CHEAP! $2.80 and it's double boiled to perfection :D

And I caved in to temptation and got myself MORE STROOP WAFELS! This time I got the pack of 10! Went home, plopped on my bed and demolished 3 at one go. :/ Just when I just recovered from my flu. Way to go, me! :/ Somebody needs to ban me from eating stroop wafels.

MASSIVE selfie on Thursday; this is sans make up. Really NOTHING ON. Can see my dark circles, one piece of flaky skin dangling above my right eyebrow, etc. But I am glad my hard work these past few months have paid off! At least I look decent enough to head out with just untinted sunblock :P Sorry, sunblock is a MUST PUT, and it doesn't count as cheating because I use Biore's untinted sunblock :D

A quick snapshot of my 3.5 weeks old manicure! Very impressed with how long this lasted! I know typically Gelish should lasts about a month, but there are a couple of times that my Gelish barely makes it past the 2 weeks mark :/ Not sure if I am not rough with my nails, or a sloppy job done by the salon that did those manicures :/ But this time it lasted! Scroll down if you want to know where I did it, cause I went back again :D

#OOTD on Thursday; Entirely decked in Topshop (I really Topshop fan damn it); shoes c/o BKK. And you know the major problem with losing weight is SUDDENLY EVERYTHING IS TOO LOOSE. My pants were seemingly too huge for me that my colleague commented, "eh why your pants so big?" -.- Great, just great.

HELLO FLABBY ME. So to all the people who say, "YOU DAMN SKINNY/SLIM ALREADY LOSE SOMEMORE BECOME BONES." EXCUSE SEH MOI PLEASE LOOK AT MA FLABS. There's something called 'sucking in', that's why you don't see my food baby. And my lower tummy is DAMN STUBBORN, no matter how many crunches I do, it's perpetually there ANNOYING OKAY. And my arms ah. I wanna saw the fats off already, how to tone it to be smaller??? SEE LA ALL THANKS TO polo last time. :/ LOLOLOL!

Gymmed with M at the gym near my place, super fun session, really worked out and had a lot of laughs at the same time! :D We should have done this earlier!! Now looking forward to our next session WOOOOO! 

FRYDAYYYY! /fryingaction I think the top right hand picture sufficiently conveys my feelings about it being finally Friday :D 

Pardon the blur photo, but I was lazy to mosaic my conversation with S, but yeah, this is why Blackberries are the bane of my life. If ever I get kidnapped, and all I had was my Blackberry, I am pretty sure I'll get kidnapped forever. Yknow why? Let's say the kidnapper gets out of the room for a bit, I try to make a phone call or send a text out, I SWEAR 99% MY BLACKBERRY WILL HANG. By the time it un-hangs, the kidnapper is back. ARGH. And it's ironic because you can't really do shit with a Blackberry! There's no Instagram, the FB and Twitter is just the bare minimal; WHAT ARE YOU HANGING ON????? Chio also no use, pfft. So according to Jem, #TeamBB but #fuckbb LOL!

Yummy Dorayaki from Japan, gifted by Jesssssica! :D

#OOTD on Fryday; Top c/o Zara, Jeans c/o April77, SPERRRRRRYYYYYYYYY!!!

Guess who is going for Colour Run!! :D YAYYYYYYY! My first proper marathon! :D

Friday was intended to be my running day because I was feeling motivated after the gym session the previous night. Coincidently, BFF was home on a Friday night too, so we planned to run together once I reached home and changed and all. BUT, being the unfortunate queens that we are, IT EFFING STARTED TO DRIZZLE. #okaycan So running was cancelled, but that didn't stop us from meeting >:) TAKE THAT FATE! 

Asked my BFF to help me talk #OOTD and she so cute, took this candid shot of me while I was just, moving around LOL! Wanted to post this, but ended up posting the one below instead :D

#OOTD; {sweater weather} Entirely decked in Topshop (note to self: tone down on Topshop obsession) 

Was attempting to see how I'd look like with bangs; yay/nay? :D

But to see that, this is what I did to my hair! HAHAHAHHAA! Damn funny! Had a lot of fun goofing around, photoboothing and Insta-videoing :P If you wanna see what we instavideo-ed, then you'd have to go to my Instagram (@jolenequek_) [shameless self promotion #sorrynotsorry]

And the weekend officially starts!! Trying out my new top from..... Topshop. -.- But I decided against wearing it on Saturday cause I was going for a steamboat and food babies aren't a nice look with cropped tops :/

Since I had a lot of time to spare, I curled my hair, changed my top and took WAY TOO MANY SELFIES. I think I'm really growing too old too fast. Now I find myself gravitating towards lighter make up and the normal clear contact lens. Gone are the days I spam eyeliner, fake eyelashes and pupil enlarging colored contact lens! But I like to think of it as a good change (:

Met the other 3 musketeers at Bedok, and started our grocery shopping :D Crazy a lot of fun picking out all the food, and yes we are now aware that we over-shopped :/ 

Spent close to 90 minutes preparing the food and stock, but it was well worth it because the meal was DELISH! Needless to say, I believe half of the food went back into the refrigerator after dinner AHAHAHHAHAHA wayyyy too much food!

My favorites :P

SUNDAY! Woke up, baked some brownies for the 3 musketeers; prepped and curled my hair again! Love the look of curled hair because my natural hair is straight, but I won't ever perm it again. Had quite a horrid experience with perms :/ Guess I just have to be more hardworking and curl it during the weekends.

Went to town slightly earlier first to get my nails done! I am a very boring person, always sticking to the same design LOLOL! Anyways, for the past 2 months I have been going to Autumn Nail Spa to get my nails done! This set, inclusive of soak off (but the previous set was also done at their shop), costs $68! Classic Gelish Manicure, which means they cut your cuticles and all :) I find it worthy of the price because my manicure really lasts a month! 

Autumn Nail Spa

14 Scotts Road

#05-28

Singapore 228213

Tel: 68367989

Nail pampering session ended earlier than i expected, so it was off to some shopping before meeting the boy(s). I went to Editor's Market, but couldn't find 3 items to get :( Couldn't justify shelling out $30 to get a cropped top, so I went out of there empty handed, as always. :/ Wanted to get Angel Food, but it was so close to dinner time, so I didn't get that either HAISHHHHHH sucks to be me! Ended up at where else, Knightsbridge, MY FAVVVVVVV~

#OOTD for Sunday; Cosmic Chiffon Shirt c/o TSR; Scallop tank and Denim shorts c/o Topshop; SPERRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Was deciding between this pink silk cropped top which was on sale at $29 and IN MY SIZE OMG WHAT ARE THE ODDS...

..AND THIS BADASS HOLE-Y TOP! This isn't on sale BUT IT LOOKS SO BADASS I LIKE IT SO MUCH!! But it's $56 :( 

So I basically just stood there in the fitting room for a good 10 minutes pondering if I should get this, or the pink top or both or none :/

I ended up getting none of them. :'( WEHHHHHHHHHH!! I know the black top AKA BADASS TOP looks quite mehhhh here but IRL I SWEAR it looks sooooo nice, not to mention it's super comfy too :( HAISH. 

After which, the boy(s) finally reached town for our dinner :D Initially the plan was supposed to include 2 other boys BUT, they couldn't make it last minute, so it was just Jem and me :) GOOD ENOUGH THOUGH, haven't seen this awesome person for the longest time. 

He is the only other guy who isn't blood related to me, other than my boyfr (past, and future) ,that I would ever use the word LOVE on, or the kissing heartshape emoji on. Even though sometimes he drives me FUCKING MAD AH HAHAHAHAHA FOR BEING DAMN CB but I still love him nonetheless HEHEHE. Press on soldier, all these hard times will pass soon :)

His Chucks, versus my Sperry. MINE CHIO-ER RIGHTTTTTTT~ :D Can't wait for our many many plans to materialise as the days pass!! :D

........

Okay, so the past week has been covered, now I am just nuaing in front of my computer, spamming the above few songs, and getting psyched way too early for Hardwell :/ 

20 September, why you so far away!!! 

Soul mate;

"Best friends are people who make your problems their problems, just so you don't have to go through them alone."

Perhaps the biggest misconception I've ever had in my head, was that a soulmate would have to be my lover. I was wrong. My soulmate was always there, by my side. To many more years of silly goofing, endless telephone conversations; all the way till we're hunched back, greying mop of hair, and talking about the cheapest tau ghey prices at NTUC. I don't use the L word on just anybody; but you definitely deserve this, I love you Siew Shu Hui. :D

Day 10: One confession

I think i have way too many confessions, too many thoughts, going through my mind for me to be able to illustrate them here. And I only can mention one. So..

Day 10: One confession.

I guess this is it. I am confused. Messed up, all jumbled up inside. All my so-called beliefs, ideals, I don't know if they are still valid now. 

I was a positive person. I was someone who you could push down 10 times, and I would still stand back up because I strongly believed that if you put in the effort, it won't ever go to waste. If I tried hard enough, everything would work out fine, everything would turn out all right at the end. I am not trying to blame anything or anybody for my current state of mind, but it's just everything; my own, other's; everybody's situation all snowballed into one huge glaring problem to me. It feels like I'm on this cliff, and I can see all the pain, hurt, and suffering of every single person I know. And it just got me thinking, does it ever get any better?

So my confession is: I am so lost right now I feel like I have lost faith in.. everything.  

It got so bad to the extent that I swore to myself that as I grew older, I want to distant myself from everybody. I got so scared of experiencing any type of emotions. I was so afraid of going through the process of losing somebody again, be it from sickness, or just somebody walking out of my life again. I kept telling myself, so I have my close friends, and my family. So what? Someday, everyone leaves. Even if they don't want to. Friends leave eventually when they have their other halves. They can say "oh I will always be there for you", but you know that the centre of their universe will no longer encapsulate you, and you can't expect them to because that's just not how it works. So we have our families. And yes, that's where real true love stems from. But one day, my brother is going to get married. And I won't be the most important girl in his life anymore. One day my parents is going to pass on, where does this leave me? All alone, and having to deal with all the pain from losing them. I can't deal, I really can't. 

Loving someone, caring for someone is giving them that little bit of your soul to keep. When you lose someone, it feels like that little bit of your soul died when they left. You constantly feel like there is always a part of you missing, no matter how long it has been since they left. All it takes is a rogue memory to suddenly reappear in your mind, and the emotional pain is back. 

I thought that by slowly distancing myself from everyone eventually, I could take back those little bits of my soul from them. If they ever left, especially so if it's about them passing on, I wouldn't hurt so bad, preferably if I don't hurt at all. Selfish, yes. Without a doubt this is an extremely selfish thought. But, this pain of losing someone is really too much for me to take.

But take it this way too. I know how painful it is to lose someone. And I won't ever, wish for anyone I love to feel this pain that I feel. So with me distancing myself from them, they don't have to feel any pain when I leave them, or this world entirely. You would have seen this IG post that I posted awhile back.

&I choose not to leave a scar.

That was my caption for the post too. If you haven't read Faults in our Stars, please do yourself a favour and read it. It's a wonderful novel, I am very impressed with the fact that it's a young adult novel, but it just completely blew me away. 

I don't want to be a scar in anybody's life. I don't want to ever be the cause of anybody's pain. So if I could, I don't want to be close to anybody anymore. We won't have to endure the pain of losing each other, wouldn't it be great?

So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all.

I feel lost, not just because I lost faith in everything I used to believe in, but also because I feel like I've changed so much? I cry, not because of all the people that I loved who have since left me, but for the girl who used to love so passionately has died. I cry for the girl that I no longer am. It's just that point of realisation that I will never want to look at things positively because I know 90% of the time, people let me down. I tell myself you cannot be happy because happy moments don't last forever, and you don't want to fall from such great heights again. 

I tell myself, be alone. Be happy alone, that's all you can count on. But like all great advices, it's easier said than done.

As I have previously mentioned in one of my previous posts, I am not the sort who regularly needs to be attached to someone to be happy. But if you have read what I've written so far, and you understand what I am feeling now, you would feel conflicted too. Your mind tells you, no it won't do you any good, remember what happened the last time? But your heart goes, but that's what you want, isn't it? 

With all that said, I'm crawling back into my shell.

........

I apologise for such a heavy post on a Friday. But it's the last one already yay! Hope this range of posts have been interesting for you (whoever is reading this now, yes you) and hopefully now you know a mere fraction of how my mind works (it's a maze in there). 

Here's a picture of my happy face from eating Stroop Wafels to offset the heaviness woohoo! 

TGIF kitties, stay safe! :)

Day 9: Two smileys that describe your life right now

Day 9: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

This,

and this.

LOL. Smileys are too boring, so I thought I'd switch to using gifs from my favourite animated series instead. "Poop", and "my 'unicorn'!". Pretty self explanatory, yes? If it isn't, then use your imagination :D

I wish I could say my life right now was,

and..

But it's really far from it. I am still just extremely conflicted inside, I will touch on that tomorrow so..

Even though I am all messed up inside, here's a little pat on your back if you're feeling the same way. We're all messed up, but we're messed up together (:

........

And I'd like to leave today with this funny post from Thought Catalog; 

1 more day to TGIF!! :D Toodles!