Day 10: One confession

I think i have way too many confessions, too many thoughts, going through my mind for me to be able to illustrate them here. And I only can mention one. So..

Day 10: One confession.

I guess this is it. I am confused. Messed up, all jumbled up inside. All my so-called beliefs, ideals, I don't know if they are still valid now. 

I was a positive person. I was someone who you could push down 10 times, and I would still stand back up because I strongly believed that if you put in the effort, it won't ever go to waste. If I tried hard enough, everything would work out fine, everything would turn out all right at the end. I am not trying to blame anything or anybody for my current state of mind, but it's just everything; my own, other's; everybody's situation all snowballed into one huge glaring problem to me. It feels like I'm on this cliff, and I can see all the pain, hurt, and suffering of every single person I know. And it just got me thinking, does it ever get any better?

So my confession is: I am so lost right now I feel like I have lost faith in.. everything.  

It got so bad to the extent that I swore to myself that as I grew older, I want to distant myself from everybody. I got so scared of experiencing any type of emotions. I was so afraid of going through the process of losing somebody again, be it from sickness, or just somebody walking out of my life again. I kept telling myself, so I have my close friends, and my family. So what? Someday, everyone leaves. Even if they don't want to. Friends leave eventually when they have their other halves. They can say "oh I will always be there for you", but you know that the centre of their universe will no longer encapsulate you, and you can't expect them to because that's just not how it works. So we have our families. And yes, that's where real true love stems from. But one day, my brother is going to get married. And I won't be the most important girl in his life anymore. One day my parents is going to pass on, where does this leave me? All alone, and having to deal with all the pain from losing them. I can't deal, I really can't. 

Loving someone, caring for someone is giving them that little bit of your soul to keep. When you lose someone, it feels like that little bit of your soul died when they left. You constantly feel like there is always a part of you missing, no matter how long it has been since they left. All it takes is a rogue memory to suddenly reappear in your mind, and the emotional pain is back. 

I thought that by slowly distancing myself from everyone eventually, I could take back those little bits of my soul from them. If they ever left, especially so if it's about them passing on, I wouldn't hurt so bad, preferably if I don't hurt at all. Selfish, yes. Without a doubt this is an extremely selfish thought. But, this pain of losing someone is really too much for me to take.

But take it this way too. I know how painful it is to lose someone. And I won't ever, wish for anyone I love to feel this pain that I feel. So with me distancing myself from them, they don't have to feel any pain when I leave them, or this world entirely. You would have seen this IG post that I posted awhile back.

&I choose not to leave a scar.

That was my caption for the post too. If you haven't read Faults in our Stars, please do yourself a favour and read it. It's a wonderful novel, I am very impressed with the fact that it's a young adult novel, but it just completely blew me away. 

I don't want to be a scar in anybody's life. I don't want to ever be the cause of anybody's pain. So if I could, I don't want to be close to anybody anymore. We won't have to endure the pain of losing each other, wouldn't it be great?

So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all.

I feel lost, not just because I lost faith in everything I used to believe in, but also because I feel like I've changed so much? I cry, not because of all the people that I loved who have since left me, but for the girl who used to love so passionately has died. I cry for the girl that I no longer am. It's just that point of realisation that I will never want to look at things positively because I know 90% of the time, people let me down. I tell myself you cannot be happy because happy moments don't last forever, and you don't want to fall from such great heights again. 

I tell myself, be alone. Be happy alone, that's all you can count on. But like all great advices, it's easier said than done.

As I have previously mentioned in one of my previous posts, I am not the sort who regularly needs to be attached to someone to be happy. But if you have read what I've written so far, and you understand what I am feeling now, you would feel conflicted too. Your mind tells you, no it won't do you any good, remember what happened the last time? But your heart goes, but that's what you want, isn't it? 

With all that said, I'm crawling back into my shell.

........

I apologise for such a heavy post on a Friday. But it's the last one already yay! Hope this range of posts have been interesting for you (whoever is reading this now, yes you) and hopefully now you know a mere fraction of how my mind works (it's a maze in there). 

Here's a picture of my happy face from eating Stroop Wafels to offset the heaviness woohoo! 

TGIF kitties, stay safe! :)